So soon..

oh year,
how fast u've passed.
i'm suddenly 5 min to reaching 18.

i'm gonna be almost an adult,
getting freedom i never dreamed of.
18 seemed so far away,
i thought it would be eons to reach that coveted age.

and now the clock ticks on,
3 min more to being 18,
as i type this i feel old,
very old.

i've been through so so much this year,
an excrutiatingly painful stretching year.
a crazy emotional roller-coaster,
the ups,the downs,the spinning n nauseating ride of my life.

how far do i have to walk,
how much more do i hv to travel alone?

i'm officially 18 now according to the clock on my computer.
in a secluded college,
deep in the jungle.
empty shop-lots surround me...planes fly overhead.
with ppl i've grown to accept.
to learn not to look with judging eyes.
to learn that differences.

my frens just barged into the cyber cafe...
i;m going out now!!!!

high,lofty ideals..

wat's life?
wat matters most?

God?family?friends?money?relationships?status?wealth?
looks?health?

what i put first determines the way i act...wat's my priorities?
i grew up believing the world to be a beautiful place....that it's filled w ppl who
are beautiful n r treasures for u to discover...i believed in making new friends.
i believed that u shd do wat u want in life...take a career cuz u love it...not cuz u'll get rich.
lose the job if it means u compromising ur believes...love others n others will love u..
i believed in love.i wouldn't marry the person if i didn't love him...
money isn't everything...it isn't the most important thing.

but along the way.....adults tell me different things.
things that contradict wat i perceived life to be.Grown ppl who hv gone through hardships n hv taken the brunt of life itself.
Money IS important. ppl see u as how much u own,wat car u drive,where u stand in life.
and when u r brought up in a family which is quite well-off...the way u carry urself,ur self-image,ur mindset is diff fr a not so well off family.
why?
ur status in life...being accomplished n being a 'cheena' businessman,why do ppl look at them differently?

u walk into a posh restaurant or a five star hotel....
look at the way the waiters or receptionist treat these two ppl.
it's real,it's happening.
the world treats u differently by looking at u...

and so were my perceptions high n lofty ideals?
is this the price i have to pay for growing up?
to learn that a doctorate is THE most important thing in life?

"don't be so naive,u think u can survive by studying that?u won't be able to get a job here.in the end it's whether u can put rice in ur own bowl!!!This is safe. u'll never go bankrupt.u'll always hv a job."
but wat if this is not wat i want to do? wat do i love??
i love to talk,i love languages,i love physics.
wat's wrong w that?
but i need to feed my family...
so sacrifice i hv to.n i'm not the only one...
many ppl have had to give up wat they want to do cuz:
1)not enough money
2)too many siblings hence,not enuf money
3)spent money on another sibling's education hence,not enuf money.
4)parents didn't think that should spent so much money on a liability-daughters....

in the end...it's about money...
IS IT??
is the world about money only....about which career u shd choose to sustain urself?

n then some say "do wat u love...
if u take up sumthing that u hv a great interest in,well,u will do well!"
hmm...

so who do i listen to?
or do u do it ur way....
fall down get up again,n do it UR way,
or do u take the road others hv chosen for u...
the safe way,the way where it's easier....listen to sumone else...
but wat's wrong w listening to sumone else?
wat's wrong w not living it the way u want?
to take a risk but taking the risk of ending up w satisfaction or guilt?

do i dare to look for my own way?
do i dare step off the path chosen for me?
is it wise?jz cuz i want to explore on my own?
even when it's safer following sumone else's path?

or do i take my life in my own hands....search for sumthing more..
find out wat i'm good at..
live it my way?
find out whether this world IS only made out of money...
or maybe this world sees u not for wat u are....but wat u're worth...
can i live a simple life n be happy?
w/o achieving any heights??
who's right? who's wrong?
how will i find the answers?
where do i begin my search??
why the contradiction??
why do ppl who dun hv much seem happier??
or do they only seem??
why when ppl get a taste of wealth they keep wanting more??
is the thirst for wealth insatiable??
is it possible to travel the world w/o money??

wat's important??

Growing up..

that's the only way to put the last 5months of my life...
a painful painful process of growing up.
i was wrong about the previous post as my last...
i'm very very down today,n the 1st thing that came to my mind was....hey..
i hv a blog....no one reads it....i can blog it!!!
sigh....it's been almost 6 months...like a REALLY good friend of mine once said...
"it's pass the grace period dear....u hv to let go..."
well.....I CAN'T !!!!!
i'm sorry....it hurts jz to write this.....everytime i think back on the times i had....
i tear.....i can't talk to anyone bout it either.....my parents n i get into HUGE arguments n i dun wanna hurt them no more......the ppl in my college...well....they dun noe wat it's like.....they hate me, i know.

why?
becuz i keep talking bout sumthing they never had a chance to hv...i keep talking bout spore...i keep comparing....i keep talking on and on and on bout how great it was there...the frens n all.....no wait...THE FRENS....it was an AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL 6months of my life.
n so...i hv no one here to talk about it....at all....
i always thought diaries were for pathetic ppl who hv no friends that they can spill their guts out to.....well....guess wat?? yup...i'm keeping one now....

wat have i become???

i no longer live in the present.i thrive on going back to spore to see my friends....i LIVE on the fact that i hv 1 1/2 yrs b4 i leave for indon....
oh...wow....get this...i am actually burning w anticipation to go to indon....
Lord....i need help....
i can't go on anymore.....
everytime i wake up....i dread another day in that college....
u know...i used to love going to SAJC....cuz in my heart....i loved it....

when i left for spore....i never looked back...sorry mum n dad....i hv to honestly say....
i didn;t miss ANYTHING......for the 1st 5 months...i didn't get the i can't wait to go home feeling....i didnt miss any of my friends...i didn't miss ANYTHING...
i always felt that there was sumthing wrong w me,when the ppl arnd me...my frens eva,sue,carynl talked about missing home....i never admitted to anyone there at that time but....i NEVER missed home.i LOVED where i was....i felt homesick only during the END OF JUNE....after i had spent a whole holiday month in spore.n that was only a small tinge....sigh....

i still rmbr going home in the cny hols...i woke up in my own bed wondering where i was....
i actually missed the ppl in spore while i was AT HOME!!!
is this wat life is about??? that when u finally find the place u love the most.....u hv to leave???
i still miss life there.....evryday of my life.....
i will regret it forever.....n to know that i'll never hv it again kills me inside...
thank god i'm a girl.....thank god i can cry n release it out.....
it's been 6 months....i still can't move on....

maybe i need counselling....i need help....the only thing that keeps me alive is praying n relying on GOD. but Lord...U hv to send me help soon cuz next year is gonna be 100x worse....
i'm gonna hv my A-s levels papers.....so i can;t see them....then after that THEY are gonna hc their A-levels....so i'm not gonna disturb them....n then san san has left for New Zealand...
jia fu's gonna end his ADP soon....n so i'll truly truly be alone...
but i've been ALONE for so long....is it training for the future Lord??
are U preparing me for worse? cuz i dun think i can take it Lord....

Give me strength Lord.....i can't go on alone....

ahh...the beginning...or sumthing like dat..

And so thus begins my blog....
wow...i'm so excited(said w sarcasm spewing out from every existing cavity of my body)
haha......no....it's just that....well...i dun noe how am i gonna find the time(& money) to upkeep
this blog....hmm....
well....they say everything has to begin sumwhere.....(i dunno who ever said that...oh.. i'm saying it...haha...quote me! quote me! err....)
this shall be the beginning of my own blog w my not-so-witty posts n my
life under my own microscope.....hmm...
sounds...fun? nah....oh well....
dun care....i shall be crazy....
err....
haha....
so...cheers...to a new beginning...
err....
wait.....one thing...phiphiya!!
under the code 74 article 9394/86 of the SC (abbreviation for smiley cows) convention:
'Posters' are henceforth banned from typing 'err..' at every single
interval or pause or break in sentence or end of paragraph or
beginning of paragraph.

err.....
wat's wrong w me?? oh well....only a certain sumone out there will know...
who? sorry, dun know who...haven't met him yet...
haha...
to the 1st post!!!(n i hv a funny tingling sort of feeling that it might be the last..)
hah!