back in jogja....

time flies.....ahhh...

back in jogja again,w lesehan n all..
but dis time sumthing's diffrnt...
when u start hanging out w difrnt ppl,evrytin looks less bleak...
it's fun now...haha...most of the time.

ws supposed to go dwn 2jakarta 2surprise gaya n bring her dwn w us..but she had sum intrvw thingy which is part of her xm...
so maybe not going now...
ARGH....miss her a lot....
can't bliv she's z comin...sigh...
imagine jogja clubbin scene w her arnd.GOSH.....

haha..

miss him.duno why.
the things he said abt me,i wil NEVER 4get,rily hate him 4dat...
makes me realise othr ppl wr rite....he ws jz playin arnd.
but stil deep in my heart.....wish dat things cud b difrnt.
part of me stil wan2 bliv dat he ws sincere....

but i wil jz close my eyes ,lift my head n move on.
n in dat small corner,store my unspoken hopes n dreams,dat'll neva come to pass.
rily miss him.but he'll neva noe.

ahh....home!!

ahhh......
im home!!
feels so good to hv evrytin at a drive away....
n the food here!the food.....i miss msia...the place where ALL kinds of food meet n u can get them anywhere!!
sigh...

Jogja x lk dat.....it's McD's is so rare...guess not popular.
evrytme end up eatin at the lesehan(roadside stalls) which serve indon food...
but i guess it mks u treasure home more....haha.

when i stepped into Sunway pyramid....it ws like coming home...!!!!!!
ahh.....starbucks,sushi king,waffle world,KIM GARY....!
n knowin me n food...it feels lk i've jz fallen madly in love...
sigh...i love my food!
now waitin to get my hands on mamak food!!maggi mee goreng,teh o ais limau,roti tissue,tosai,poori,roti telur....!!!ahh........sum1 sound the alert....my house's startin 2flood...

sigh...why la....food is such a huge thing to me...feel so deprived in jogja.haha...summore the chnse food's so difrnt fr home.MOM,I mISS ur siew pak choi,choi sum,kailan....vege....my heart...my soul.

nyway,it;s good comin back.

gud to get away fr evrytin,get a fresh perspective on lotsa stuff.
made me realise wat's truly imprtnt 2me...
i mean,there r things dat rily hurt u so so much...n u agonize over it..
but when u come away fr it,tk a break,u realise...u x rily nd 2lose sleep over it.
it's lk,it seemed imprtnt at dat pt in time,but den u realise wat's truly imprtnt n it's jz secondary...

evrytins jz been crazy...emotionally im not wired 2cope w crap lk dis...
i mean,my past experiences neva involved me puttin my heart n soul into things like dis,i mean,not in such an intense level as dis.
i tot wat's imprtnt is my feelings.dowan 2go thru wat i went thru again.
but wat i neva realised is dat,d more intense d feelings,the greater the hurt.

n it sux to be hurt,again.n again.
how stupid do i hv 2b b4 i learn...??
there're things u x rely on othr's judgement,
1 of it is dis...
u hv 2decide 4urself or u'll end up throwin a gud thing away cuz of bad advice fr ppl,n malicial rumours.
or u cud end up hurt,n heartbroken,cheated,cuz u refused to heed EVRY1 else's advice...u noe,when u ignore the warning signs n jz ram thru...
sigh..
both outcomes suck...so wat do i choose?
2wait?but it can't wait...decision nds 2b made soon.

BUT AM I HAPPY??
i tink mayb dat's d que i shd b askin...
it's ridiculous,the things i hv 2tolerate..
i din even care dat much in the beginnin..
so y izzit difrnt now?y do i care so much....??
y izzit so strong now?y do i feel like i can't lose dis....??

sum ppl were rite,now it seems lk im the 1carin more bout dis than the actual person who wanted in the beginnin.

but im tired.so dat's the answer...
im tired of thinkin,n makin decisions,n makin allowances,sacrifices,tryin to let go of my past in the process..hurtin so much.n 4wat?

how do u tel the truth fr a lie??
how do u noe whthr it's all real??
im thinkin,im so afraid of it,dat it'll all burst lk a bubble n evrytin wil be gone,n i'll oni b left w sticky messy soap.
it wil...im neva so fortunate in this arena...
it alwiz bursts in front of my face..
alwiz.
feel so down now...

i miss those times...but dey're x comin back..
wish i cud hear ur voice,tel me again...

ANGEL'S LIPS
it's a great song...love it alot.cuz the lyrics remind me how fake a guy can be...
go check it out ppl...x sure who sang it,prob the calling.sounds lk their kinda song...

wanna close my eyes n neva wake up...let it all fade away.

difference in opinion

ahhh...

wat do u do when sum1 keeps tryin to change u??

i mean...his pt of view makes sense too but then...
hear me out 1st k?

i beliv dat if a person loves u he'll accept u 4who u are...
not try to change u into sum1 u're not....
i mean if i can't b myself w the person im closest to....then who can i be myself with??
when am i able to feel free to act how i truly am,w no inhibitions, 2feel safe n not be afraid dat i'll be judged 4acting the way i am...
we all hv inhibitions when we;re in public...
we dun do watever we want whenever we want...

but i feel dat,w the person im closest to,if i cant act crazy or be myself...den how wil the realationship work???
i feel lk im walkin on ice...lk i hv to b careful of wat i say,or do,or act....
i can't be spontaneous for fear dat he wun lk it n wil judge me....

BUT....

HE THINKS.....
dat if u care 4a person...
u'll tell the person wat u dun lk about them...
u'll be honest in a rltnshp,n share watever displeases u w them..
u'll advise the person cuz u love them n want them 2change 4the better.
who else wil tell u wat r ur problems if not ur loved 1....?
it tks honesty to make a rltnshp work.
so if he dusn lk sumtin bout me,he;ll tell me...
n expect me 2change...

so how...???
who's rite???
i dun lk bein constantly on guard in a rltnshp...
constantly kept on my toes..
sigh...
oh,4instance...
he dusn like me sighing....accordin to him,chinse bliv dat if u sigh,
u're bringing bad luck on urself...
but i sigh VERY OFTEN....n since long b4 i can rmbr i've been sighing.....
sigh...
so i must change for him?
but it's jz sighing...

now i gtg.cuz my fren got tired of waitin for me n decided to jz call the cab to go home..dis is the problem when u stay with a person...summore v both stay so far..hc to go bac 2gethr....ugh...
sigh
bye.

I'm back....!

My goodness.....
time flies..no,it SUPER flies...err...
anyway,it's been more than 1 yr since my last post...
i myself can;t believe it.
SO SO SO SO many things hv happened since then n im struggling now to think of a way to summarize it all.....

hmm...

IT'S BEEN CRAZY!!!!!!!!

in this 1 yr...my life hs changed so so so drastically...i dun even noe wat to say!!!
it's rily hard to beliv im now sittin at a cc in jogja w a guy i barely noe typing an entry to my post...
haha...

im so confused....I'M ACTUALLY IN JOGJA!!!
after so so so long of tryin to run......i cant bliv it man...

it's jz so hard to describe the way i feel...
haha....i arrived at jakarta,took a transit n came here...
it's pretty ulu-fied but not as bad as i expected...
sumore it ws my sort of last choice...both me n karen wanted UI (for obvious reasons.....it;s in jakarta man.....!!!).but i guess i was too playful....didn;t study hard enuf.
haha....
thank God for KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!seriously...evrythin i went thru for the past 1 yr...i went thru w her...
bf problem...studies problem....problems of letting go of my past....
then as we settle dwn in jogja,stupid 'orientation' problem....we had this thing call 'OSPEK' which is actually ragging...
in hindsight...it;s not that bad n quite funny...
but last week...God,we wr so so so so so freaking scared!!!
we heard so many horror stories fr ppl bout how dey torture u n humiliate u in front of evry1 else....it was one of the HUGEST decisions i had to make....
4those of u who noe me.....I HATE 2MAKE DECISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
deciding wat to eat for lunch alrdy sends me into spasms of indecision.....
so felt rily proud of myself dat i made the RIGHT decision to go for that OSPEK thing...
haha...under no obligation...no coercian from any1 else...
no1 influenced me,but i jz sat n tot n tot n tot...goodness..
haha...i've grown up. =P

n the guy sitting nxt to me is reading this n laughing...
damn funny la now....wait la...i;ll get my revenge 1 day.
Gosh,im quite childish.but i dun care...
if i dun b dat now...when am i gonna act like dis rite??when im 28??????
haha....

anyway,back to OSPEK...
so we gathered there la....at the taman medika....
c...here it's called tmn medika...not 'The Medical Garden"...
haha...
EVRYTHING IS IN INDON!!!!!!!argh....it's so difficult when i 1st arrived.
sumore i rily dun like(this is an understatement,of all my languages,i rily hate malay man....)
malay....rily have to throw away my pride,be humble n accept evrything.
but the 1st day v went to a place which sells stuff in bulk....me n karen were SO SO SO IRRITATED!dahlah we were damn tired...we had to buy stuff for a room which we had not seen!!!!how do u do dat rite?wat if the place alrdy has wat u wanna buy...
n in jogja(i dunno bout the rest of indon..)
for 1barang...u have a GAZILLION choices!!!!(talk bout my problem of making decisions....it's like God decided:'since she;s like this...shall send her to a place where she hs to deal w this EVRY SINGLE FREAKIN TIME!!!n then there;s taxi,beca,bus....hv to think sumore which 1 to take...goodness.i shd jz get married n hv kids..settle my headache.hahahahaha.....)

anyway...so so so so many choices....1dumb floor mat took us so so so long 2decide which to buy...

sorry i digressed...
back to OSPEK...
v went for 2days n a nite...which ws quite lucky 4us cuz normally it's 3days 2nites.....
not lucky,God ws in charge...he prob knew me n karen would hv died if it ws 3 days....
goodness knows i almost did...
it was so difficult...being yelled at,n humiliated..(in karen's own words when 4the 1st time since i;ve known her,she cried like shit:" I've NEVER been called shit n pembawa sial n dog b4 in my entire life...."
u know how pissed i was at them for making her cry like dat....God....i swear if i was indian n i was there w her seeing her go thru it....i wud've lost it man....
haha....talk bout a small fry tryin to act macho....as if i could've done much.
anyway,i didn't kena as badly as her....again,God's hand...
i've never never prayed so much b4 in my life...
anyway....
it all turned out well....the seniors wr the most hated ppl in my life b4 OSPEK..
but after it....haha...funny how evrytin can change...
but seriously,we were so damn pissed off.
sumore me n karen had so much 2deal with....our kost(hostels here r called kosts) ws too far...we were tryin to move out...n den the snrs wr scaring us by sayin...u mz greet any1 u tink is a msian-la...or else wil kena during OSPEK..
i felt so fake greetin ppl jz bcoz of OSPEK...haha...
anyway....
evrytin turned out well..
very very hapi here in Jogja.
my main concern was whether i;ll make frens...knowing me....haha.
n i did..n it ws OSPEK dat brought those who went closer together...haha.
we all had stupid names given by the snrs dat we had to use during OSPEK.
n attributes which consisted of newspaper-made hats n tags...
we were made to be like fools who had 2do evrytin dey ordered.
any little mistake we did b4 OSPEK was made into a 'case' n thrown at our faces...
sigh.haha.
but God is good,there ws a snr who called me 2give me assignments 2complete by OSPEK.
he turned out to be quite a nice guy....
rily helped me a lot...haha...
can't blive there;s sum1 who's willing 2help so much...
but he quite immature sumtimes....even though he;s 26 already...
sighh...
haha.

anyway...tired n need to go back cuz my kost's gate closes at 9.30pm...
bye...