-me!!with the squish elaine,alex,sue,n carynl gave me.i sleep w it every night..sounds wrong.
-the view outside my window..wow...'stunning'.
-my brother Joseph.Cool attitude man..
Friday, July 08, 2005
Photos of me at home!!
-me!!with the squish elaine,alex,sue,n carynl gave me.i sleep w it every night..sounds wrong.
-the view outside my window..wow...'stunning'.
-my brother Joseph.Cool attitude man..
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Ashleigh's Tears
and she returned.
bare-footed,white-faced,silky translucent shreds all about her.
"where hv they gone?
they were here not so long ago....."
and she gathered their remains in her bosom,
n there under the dying fir tree,she sobbed.
she wept for the spirits of laughter long gone.
laughter does not have a spirit!
well who told u so?
she held the souls of her memories in her arms,
rocking back n forth as she wept for the pain of all those before her,and all those who'll follow her.
"is this how it will be for all who tread this path??"
silver rays of moonlight illuminate her tears,and cradling her ashen face.
and she wept on.
for housewives with monotone lives,for successful businessmen who do not know love,for unborn children whose lives were taken by irresponsible parents,
for dreams bottled up,for hopes dashed,for lovers lost,for life unfulfilled,for opportunities lost,for love uncherished,for people crying out for help silently as they tie their noose.
for hearts broken,for women who forgive their partners over n over again,for men who lost her and were left with rivers of memories n a living,breathing image of her,for parents who try so hard n yet still get shut out by their kids,for children who will never know wat it means to be innocent.
and she wept on.
when the whole world chooses to forget,she gathers these feelings,the memories n she weeps.
the tears that others refuse to cry.
Be strong,be a man,don't let others see u weak,
feelings hidden,pushed behind,suppressed.
i'll get thru this,i will.
they won't hurt me,they won't,i'm strong,
i dun need any1.i won't let them see me like this.
i'm independant,i'll make it on my own.
she weeps for them.
she sobs,she cries her heart out.
and there she kneels,with ash around her,the soft breeze dries her tears.
and yet they keep falling,
not stopping,
when will it end?
Ashleigh, don't cry.
bare-footed,white-faced,silky translucent shreds all about her.
"where hv they gone?
they were here not so long ago....."
and she gathered their remains in her bosom,
n there under the dying fir tree,she sobbed.
she wept for the spirits of laughter long gone.
laughter does not have a spirit!
well who told u so?
she held the souls of her memories in her arms,
rocking back n forth as she wept for the pain of all those before her,and all those who'll follow her.
"is this how it will be for all who tread this path??"
silver rays of moonlight illuminate her tears,and cradling her ashen face.
and she wept on.
for housewives with monotone lives,for successful businessmen who do not know love,for unborn children whose lives were taken by irresponsible parents,
for dreams bottled up,for hopes dashed,for lovers lost,for life unfulfilled,for opportunities lost,for love uncherished,for people crying out for help silently as they tie their noose.
for hearts broken,for women who forgive their partners over n over again,for men who lost her and were left with rivers of memories n a living,breathing image of her,for parents who try so hard n yet still get shut out by their kids,for children who will never know wat it means to be innocent.
and she wept on.
when the whole world chooses to forget,she gathers these feelings,the memories n she weeps.
the tears that others refuse to cry.
Be strong,be a man,don't let others see u weak,
feelings hidden,pushed behind,suppressed.
i'll get thru this,i will.
they won't hurt me,they won't,i'm strong,
i dun need any1.i won't let them see me like this.
i'm independant,i'll make it on my own.
she weeps for them.
she sobs,she cries her heart out.
and there she kneels,with ash around her,the soft breeze dries her tears.
and yet they keep falling,
not stopping,
when will it end?
Ashleigh, don't cry.
Prayer for 2005
Prayer for 2005
Lord,
Grant me the strength to live above circumstances.
Build my faith,
help me to trust in You.
Lord,
i know You have a plan for me,
reveal it to me,give me hope,
i don't know what is in store for me.
Help me let go of my steering wheel and
hand it over to You.
Lord,
take control of my life,
help me to rise above the opinions the
views of others,
help me to stand up and out for You.
Help me to live a life for You.
give me wisdom to know when to speak out,
and when to keep quiet.
Lord,
help me to be sensitive to the needs of others,
for all my unsaved friends,
I love them so so much,
give me boldness to share Your love to them.
They need You desperately in their lives and they
don't know it.
Lord,
give me the words to say,
create opportunities and help me seize them when they pass,
Lord,
I need You in my life,
I have been trying to drive for too long,
i've made a mess out of it.
I wanna live my life in accordance to Your will.
Lord,
I pray for my family,
help us to grow stronger in You together,
Protect my father,my mother and my brothers.
Lord,
i give You my life,
take it and mould it accordingly,
use me Lord.
Amen.
Delete It
Lord,
Grant me the strength to live above circumstances.
Build my faith,
help me to trust in You.
Lord,
i know You have a plan for me,
reveal it to me,give me hope,
i don't know what is in store for me.
Help me let go of my steering wheel and
hand it over to You.
Lord,
take control of my life,
help me to rise above the opinions the
views of others,
help me to stand up and out for You.
Help me to live a life for You.
give me wisdom to know when to speak out,
and when to keep quiet.
Lord,
help me to be sensitive to the needs of others,
for all my unsaved friends,
I love them so so much,
give me boldness to share Your love to them.
They need You desperately in their lives and they
don't know it.
Lord,
give me the words to say,
create opportunities and help me seize them when they pass,
Lord,
I need You in my life,
I have been trying to drive for too long,
i've made a mess out of it.
I wanna live my life in accordance to Your will.
Lord,
I pray for my family,
help us to grow stronger in You together,
Protect my father,my mother and my brothers.
Lord,
i give You my life,
take it and mould it accordingly,
use me Lord.
Amen.
Delete It
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
So soon..
oh year,
how fast u've passed.
i'm suddenly 5 min to reaching 18.
i'm gonna be almost an adult,
getting freedom i never dreamed of.
18 seemed so far away,
i thought it would be eons to reach that coveted age.
and now the clock ticks on,
3 min more to being 18,
as i type this i feel old,
very old.
i've been through so so much this year,
an excrutiatingly painful stretching year.
a crazy emotional roller-coaster,
the ups,the downs,the spinning n nauseating ride of my life.
how far do i have to walk,
how much more do i hv to travel alone?
i'm officially 18 now according to the clock on my computer.
in a secluded college,
deep in the jungle.
empty shop-lots surround me...planes fly overhead.
with ppl i've grown to accept.
to learn not to look with judging eyes.
to learn that differences.
my frens just barged into the cyber cafe...
i;m going out now!!!!
how fast u've passed.
i'm suddenly 5 min to reaching 18.
i'm gonna be almost an adult,
getting freedom i never dreamed of.
18 seemed so far away,
i thought it would be eons to reach that coveted age.
and now the clock ticks on,
3 min more to being 18,
as i type this i feel old,
very old.
i've been through so so much this year,
an excrutiatingly painful stretching year.
a crazy emotional roller-coaster,
the ups,the downs,the spinning n nauseating ride of my life.
how far do i have to walk,
how much more do i hv to travel alone?
i'm officially 18 now according to the clock on my computer.
in a secluded college,
deep in the jungle.
empty shop-lots surround me...planes fly overhead.
with ppl i've grown to accept.
to learn not to look with judging eyes.
to learn that differences.
my frens just barged into the cyber cafe...
i;m going out now!!!!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
high,lofty ideals..
wat's life?
wat matters most?
God?family?friends?money?relationships?status?wealth?
looks?health?
what i put first determines the way i act...wat's my priorities?
i grew up believing the world to be a beautiful place....that it's filled w ppl who
are beautiful n r treasures for u to discover...i believed in making new friends.
i believed that u shd do wat u want in life...take a career cuz u love it...not cuz u'll get rich.
lose the job if it means u compromising ur believes...love others n others will love u..
i believed in love.i wouldn't marry the person if i didn't love him...
money isn't everything...it isn't the most important thing.
but along the way.....adults tell me different things.
things that contradict wat i perceived life to be.Grown ppl who hv gone through hardships n hv taken the brunt of life itself.
Money IS important. ppl see u as how much u own,wat car u drive,where u stand in life.
and when u r brought up in a family which is quite well-off...the way u carry urself,ur self-image,ur mindset is diff fr a not so well off family.
why?
ur status in life...being accomplished n being a 'cheena' businessman,why do ppl look at them differently?
u walk into a posh restaurant or a five star hotel....
look at the way the waiters or receptionist treat these two ppl.
it's real,it's happening.
the world treats u differently by looking at u...
and so were my perceptions high n lofty ideals?
is this the price i have to pay for growing up?
to learn that a doctorate is THE most important thing in life?
"don't be so naive,u think u can survive by studying that?u won't be able to get a job here.in the end it's whether u can put rice in ur own bowl!!!This is safe. u'll never go bankrupt.u'll always hv a job."
but wat if this is not wat i want to do? wat do i love??
i love to talk,i love languages,i love physics.
wat's wrong w that?
but i need to feed my family...
so sacrifice i hv to.n i'm not the only one...
many ppl have had to give up wat they want to do cuz:
1)not enough money
2)too many siblings hence,not enuf money
3)spent money on another sibling's education hence,not enuf money.
4)parents didn't think that should spent so much money on a liability-daughters....
in the end...it's about money...
IS IT??
is the world about money only....about which career u shd choose to sustain urself?
n then some say "do wat u love...
if u take up sumthing that u hv a great interest in,well,u will do well!"
hmm...
so who do i listen to?
or do u do it ur way....
fall down get up again,n do it UR way,
or do u take the road others hv chosen for u...
the safe way,the way where it's easier....listen to sumone else...
but wat's wrong w listening to sumone else?
wat's wrong w not living it the way u want?
to take a risk but taking the risk of ending up w satisfaction or guilt?
do i dare to look for my own way?
do i dare step off the path chosen for me?
is it wise?jz cuz i want to explore on my own?
even when it's safer following sumone else's path?
or do i take my life in my own hands....search for sumthing more..
find out wat i'm good at..
live it my way?
find out whether this world IS only made out of money...
or maybe this world sees u not for wat u are....but wat u're worth...
can i live a simple life n be happy?
w/o achieving any heights??
who's right? who's wrong?
how will i find the answers?
where do i begin my search??
why the contradiction??
why do ppl who dun hv much seem happier??
or do they only seem??
why when ppl get a taste of wealth they keep wanting more??
is the thirst for wealth insatiable??
is it possible to travel the world w/o money??
wat's important??
wat matters most?
God?family?friends?money?relationships?status?wealth?
looks?health?
what i put first determines the way i act...wat's my priorities?
i grew up believing the world to be a beautiful place....that it's filled w ppl who
are beautiful n r treasures for u to discover...i believed in making new friends.
i believed that u shd do wat u want in life...take a career cuz u love it...not cuz u'll get rich.
lose the job if it means u compromising ur believes...love others n others will love u..
i believed in love.i wouldn't marry the person if i didn't love him...
money isn't everything...it isn't the most important thing.
but along the way.....adults tell me different things.
things that contradict wat i perceived life to be.Grown ppl who hv gone through hardships n hv taken the brunt of life itself.
Money IS important. ppl see u as how much u own,wat car u drive,where u stand in life.
and when u r brought up in a family which is quite well-off...the way u carry urself,ur self-image,ur mindset is diff fr a not so well off family.
why?
ur status in life...being accomplished n being a 'cheena' businessman,why do ppl look at them differently?
u walk into a posh restaurant or a five star hotel....
look at the way the waiters or receptionist treat these two ppl.
it's real,it's happening.
the world treats u differently by looking at u...
and so were my perceptions high n lofty ideals?
is this the price i have to pay for growing up?
to learn that a doctorate is THE most important thing in life?
"don't be so naive,u think u can survive by studying that?u won't be able to get a job here.in the end it's whether u can put rice in ur own bowl!!!This is safe. u'll never go bankrupt.u'll always hv a job."
but wat if this is not wat i want to do? wat do i love??
i love to talk,i love languages,i love physics.
wat's wrong w that?
but i need to feed my family...
so sacrifice i hv to.n i'm not the only one...
many ppl have had to give up wat they want to do cuz:
1)not enough money
2)too many siblings hence,not enuf money
3)spent money on another sibling's education hence,not enuf money.
4)parents didn't think that should spent so much money on a liability-daughters....
in the end...it's about money...
IS IT??
is the world about money only....about which career u shd choose to sustain urself?
n then some say "do wat u love...
if u take up sumthing that u hv a great interest in,well,u will do well!"
hmm...
so who do i listen to?
or do u do it ur way....
fall down get up again,n do it UR way,
or do u take the road others hv chosen for u...
the safe way,the way where it's easier....listen to sumone else...
but wat's wrong w listening to sumone else?
wat's wrong w not living it the way u want?
to take a risk but taking the risk of ending up w satisfaction or guilt?
do i dare to look for my own way?
do i dare step off the path chosen for me?
is it wise?jz cuz i want to explore on my own?
even when it's safer following sumone else's path?
or do i take my life in my own hands....search for sumthing more..
find out wat i'm good at..
live it my way?
find out whether this world IS only made out of money...
or maybe this world sees u not for wat u are....but wat u're worth...
can i live a simple life n be happy?
w/o achieving any heights??
who's right? who's wrong?
how will i find the answers?
where do i begin my search??
why the contradiction??
why do ppl who dun hv much seem happier??
or do they only seem??
why when ppl get a taste of wealth they keep wanting more??
is the thirst for wealth insatiable??
is it possible to travel the world w/o money??
wat's important??
Monday, December 06, 2004
Growing up..
that's the only way to put the last 5months of my life...
a painful painful process of growing up.
i was wrong about the previous post as my last...
i'm very very down today,n the 1st thing that came to my mind was....hey..
i hv a blog....no one reads it....i can blog it!!!
sigh....it's been almost 6 months...like a REALLY good friend of mine once said...
"it's pass the grace period dear....u hv to let go..."
well.....I CAN'T !!!!!
i'm sorry....it hurts jz to write this.....everytime i think back on the times i had....
i tear.....i can't talk to anyone bout it either.....my parents n i get into HUGE arguments n i dun wanna hurt them no more......the ppl in my college...well....they dun noe wat it's like.....they hate me, i know.
why?
becuz i keep talking bout sumthing they never had a chance to hv...i keep talking bout spore...i keep comparing....i keep talking on and on and on bout how great it was there...the frens n all.....no wait...THE FRENS....it was an AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL 6months of my life.
n so...i hv no one here to talk about it....at all....
i always thought diaries were for pathetic ppl who hv no friends that they can spill their guts out to.....well....guess wat?? yup...i'm keeping one now....
wat have i become???
i no longer live in the present.i thrive on going back to spore to see my friends....i LIVE on the fact that i hv 1 1/2 yrs b4 i leave for indon....
oh...wow....get this...i am actually burning w anticipation to go to indon....
Lord....i need help....
i can't go on anymore.....
everytime i wake up....i dread another day in that college....
u know...i used to love going to SAJC....cuz in my heart....i loved it....
when i left for spore....i never looked back...sorry mum n dad....i hv to honestly say....
i didn;t miss ANYTHING......for the 1st 5 months...i didn't get the i can't wait to go home feeling....i didnt miss any of my friends...i didn't miss ANYTHING...
i always felt that there was sumthing wrong w me,when the ppl arnd me...my frens eva,sue,carynl talked about missing home....i never admitted to anyone there at that time but....i NEVER missed home.i LOVED where i was....i felt homesick only during the END OF JUNE....after i had spent a whole holiday month in spore.n that was only a small tinge....sigh....
i still rmbr going home in the cny hols...i woke up in my own bed wondering where i was....
i actually missed the ppl in spore while i was AT HOME!!!
is this wat life is about??? that when u finally find the place u love the most.....u hv to leave???
i still miss life there.....evryday of my life.....
i will regret it forever.....n to know that i'll never hv it again kills me inside...
thank god i'm a girl.....thank god i can cry n release it out.....
it's been 6 months....i still can't move on....
maybe i need counselling....i need help....the only thing that keeps me alive is praying n relying on GOD. but Lord...U hv to send me help soon cuz next year is gonna be 100x worse....
i'm gonna hv my A-s levels papers.....so i can;t see them....then after that THEY are gonna hc their A-levels....so i'm not gonna disturb them....n then san san has left for New Zealand...
jia fu's gonna end his ADP soon....n so i'll truly truly be alone...
but i've been ALONE for so long....is it training for the future Lord??
are U preparing me for worse? cuz i dun think i can take it Lord....
Give me strength Lord.....i can't go on alone....
a painful painful process of growing up.
i was wrong about the previous post as my last...
i'm very very down today,n the 1st thing that came to my mind was....hey..
i hv a blog....no one reads it....i can blog it!!!
sigh....it's been almost 6 months...like a REALLY good friend of mine once said...
"it's pass the grace period dear....u hv to let go..."
well.....I CAN'T !!!!!
i'm sorry....it hurts jz to write this.....everytime i think back on the times i had....
i tear.....i can't talk to anyone bout it either.....my parents n i get into HUGE arguments n i dun wanna hurt them no more......the ppl in my college...well....they dun noe wat it's like.....they hate me, i know.
why?
becuz i keep talking bout sumthing they never had a chance to hv...i keep talking bout spore...i keep comparing....i keep talking on and on and on bout how great it was there...the frens n all.....no wait...THE FRENS....it was an AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL 6months of my life.
n so...i hv no one here to talk about it....at all....
i always thought diaries were for pathetic ppl who hv no friends that they can spill their guts out to.....well....guess wat?? yup...i'm keeping one now....
wat have i become???
i no longer live in the present.i thrive on going back to spore to see my friends....i LIVE on the fact that i hv 1 1/2 yrs b4 i leave for indon....
oh...wow....get this...i am actually burning w anticipation to go to indon....
Lord....i need help....
i can't go on anymore.....
everytime i wake up....i dread another day in that college....
u know...i used to love going to SAJC....cuz in my heart....i loved it....
when i left for spore....i never looked back...sorry mum n dad....i hv to honestly say....
i didn;t miss ANYTHING......for the 1st 5 months...i didn't get the i can't wait to go home feeling....i didnt miss any of my friends...i didn't miss ANYTHING...
i always felt that there was sumthing wrong w me,when the ppl arnd me...my frens eva,sue,carynl talked about missing home....i never admitted to anyone there at that time but....i NEVER missed home.i LOVED where i was....i felt homesick only during the END OF JUNE....after i had spent a whole holiday month in spore.n that was only a small tinge....sigh....
i still rmbr going home in the cny hols...i woke up in my own bed wondering where i was....
i actually missed the ppl in spore while i was AT HOME!!!
is this wat life is about??? that when u finally find the place u love the most.....u hv to leave???
i still miss life there.....evryday of my life.....
i will regret it forever.....n to know that i'll never hv it again kills me inside...
thank god i'm a girl.....thank god i can cry n release it out.....
it's been 6 months....i still can't move on....
maybe i need counselling....i need help....the only thing that keeps me alive is praying n relying on GOD. but Lord...U hv to send me help soon cuz next year is gonna be 100x worse....
i'm gonna hv my A-s levels papers.....so i can;t see them....then after that THEY are gonna hc their A-levels....so i'm not gonna disturb them....n then san san has left for New Zealand...
jia fu's gonna end his ADP soon....n so i'll truly truly be alone...
but i've been ALONE for so long....is it training for the future Lord??
are U preparing me for worse? cuz i dun think i can take it Lord....
Give me strength Lord.....i can't go on alone....
Friday, December 03, 2004
ahh...the beginning...or sumthing like dat..
And so thus begins my blog....
wow...i'm so excited(said w sarcasm spewing out from every existing cavity of my body)
haha......no....it's just that....well...i dun noe how am i gonna find the time(& money) to upkeep
this blog....hmm....
well....they say everything has to begin sumwhere.....(i dunno who ever said that...oh.. i'm saying it...haha...quote me! quote me! err....)
this shall be the beginning of my own blog w my not-so-witty posts n my
life under my own microscope.....hmm...
sounds...fun? nah....oh well....
dun care....i shall be crazy....
err....
haha....
so...cheers...to a new beginning...
err....
wait.....one thing...phiphiya!!
under the code 74 article 9394/86 of the SC (abbreviation for smiley cows) convention:
'Posters' are henceforth banned from typing 'err..' at every single
interval or pause or break in sentence or end of paragraph or
beginning of paragraph.
err.....
wat's wrong w me?? oh well....only a certain sumone out there will know...
who? sorry, dun know who...haven't met him yet...
haha...
to the 1st post!!!(n i hv a funny tingling sort of feeling that it might be the last..)
hah!
wow...i'm so excited(said w sarcasm spewing out from every existing cavity of my body)
haha......no....it's just that....well...i dun noe how am i gonna find the time(& money) to upkeep
this blog....hmm....
well....they say everything has to begin sumwhere.....(i dunno who ever said that...oh.. i'm saying it...haha...quote me! quote me! err....)
this shall be the beginning of my own blog w my not-so-witty posts n my
life under my own microscope.....hmm...
sounds...fun? nah....oh well....
dun care....i shall be crazy....
err....
haha....
so...cheers...to a new beginning...
err....
wait.....one thing...phiphiya!!
under the code 74 article 9394/86 of the SC (abbreviation for smiley cows) convention:
'Posters' are henceforth banned from typing 'err..' at every single
interval or pause or break in sentence or end of paragraph or
beginning of paragraph.
err.....
wat's wrong w me?? oh well....only a certain sumone out there will know...
who? sorry, dun know who...haven't met him yet...
haha...
to the 1st post!!!(n i hv a funny tingling sort of feeling that it might be the last..)
hah!
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