white horse-taylor swift

“all i wan is u!do u love me?”
“……..yea….”
“cn u gimme another chance?”

say you’re sorry,that face of an angel
comes out just when you need it to
as i paced back and forth all this time
cause i honestly believed in you

holding on,the days drag on
stupid girl,i should have known
i should have known.

im not a princess,this aint a fairy tale
im not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stairwell

This aint Hollywood,this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you went n let me down
now it’s too late for you & your white horse,to come around.

“i neva tot i’d nd anybody like him,i feel lk he’s evrytin i’ve eva wanted.”
“babe,ther’s sumtin u shud noe abt him.”

baby i was naive,got lost in your eyes
and never really had a chance
(my mistake,i didn’t know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand)
i had so many dreams about you & me
happy endings,now i know

im not a princess,this aint a fairy tale
im not the 1 you’ll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stairwell

this aint Hollywood,this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you went & let me down
now it’s too late for u & ur white horse,2come arnd

& ther u r on ur knees
begging for forgiveness,begging for me
just like i alwiz wanted bt im so sori

cause im not ur princess,this aint a fairytale
im gonna find sum1 sumday who might actually treat me well
this is a BIG world,that ws a small town
there in my rearview mirror disappearing now

and it’s too late for u n ur white horse
nw it’s too late for u n ur white horse,to catch me now

“do u love me?”
“….yea….”
“cn u gimme another chance?”
“no.”

oh,try & catch me now
oh,it’s too late to catch me now

to a decade of frenship

feels good to be home…

feels good to meet up with old friends.

feels good to be treated well…

in all honesty,i’ve forgotten how beautiful & wonderful it felt to be treated right,to be taken care of. u noe, he’s not even someone who’s trying to date me or impress me, he’s just a real good friend.and he made me feel like a million bucks! i’ve totally forgotten how it feels to not be let down,to have someone open the door for me when i get out of the car,take me out to dinners,decide for me when i cant make up my mind(which ALWIZ happens),pick up the bill like it’s no big deal (it IS a big deal,i cant bliv he stil does it,cuz no1 is expecting him to do dat….chivalry died a long while back so it’s pretty amazing…),tel me how pretty i looked and basically was a real gentleman and took such gud care of me!!

dis whole tme away,i truly believed i didn’t deserve more than wat i was being treated as…i tot dis ws al ther is dat i cn eva ask for.n den u showed me wat i didn’t noe stil existed.& dis feeling of being treated like a princess,is more than anything i could ask for. i rily wana thank u,for taking care of me all these yrs.evn though we’ve been far apart,EVRY single tme i come home,u take the effort to catch up,take care of me,watch my back…i want u to know it means more than anything to me….it made me feel alive again,made me realise i truly didn’t deserve dat crap,& realise there ARE great guys arnd,just VERY few & they’re all taken…

plus u wr ther4ur ex evn tho she screwed u over,u took care of her when her bf kicked her away at the most critical moment,& i look at u n applaud.u rily,truly R a MAN. n im proud to be ur friend.

since high school u’ve bn ther4me.we’ve had our ups n downs bt u’ve ALWIZ bn ther4me.n i took it for granted.as a young naive girl with huge ambitions,i tot ther ws better out ther,& after 5 yrs of being EVRYWHER,seriously,i’ve bn so many places,seen so mny kinds of ppl, u’re STIL amazing,no1 comes close.u wr right,it IS my loss.ur loyalty,how sweet u r,how amazing u treat ur gf,is jz….one of a kind. she’s a real lucky girl,im sure she knows it,and im SO hapi4u dat u guys r gettin hitched.it’s a great thing,im sure it’ll b wonderful!!absolutely!!!

rite now,im jz hapi our friendship lasted this long,with no blemishes,no fights,nothing to mar the sweetness of it.i tot the world ran out of men like u,cuz so far all the men i’ve met,r no longer wat i grew up thinkin men shud be.i tot that’s jz d way it is nowadays,im bein unrealistic,my stds r too high cuz dey dun exist no more. n U came arnd n blasted all my self-doubts to smitherenes.my stds r NOT too high,U proved that u DO exist.

im jz real hapi right nw,im jz basking in the beauty of our frenship cuz i noe it wun last.things r not foreva,n when u guys tie d everlasting,foreva knot,i noe it’s goin to b diffrnt.friends r no longer a priority,family comes 1st,n ur own family(sounds pretty off the wall crazy!! cant imagine u startin a family babe!!!!) wil come 1st….dat’s d 1 problm with havin best frens who r guys,u NOE in ur heart dat whn d tme comes u’ve gotta lose ur fren,cuz u cant b selfish no more…they’ve got their own lives to live…,whereas evn if ur girl bff gets married,it’s no biggie,u guys cn stil hang out.haha.

im jz sittin here,reminiscing,all the great tmes we had.it’s a sign of growin up n growing old,soon i’ll be leavin my 20s behind,n as much as it hurts,i NOE i’ve had u once in my life,n we’ve had great tmes,n u hv by far set THE std for evry1 else. thk u for sharing ur love with me,im gona miss u terribly bt at the same time,im EXCEEDINGLY hapi 4u both.it’ll b an honour to attend ur wedding,and watch u walk into the shoes of this MAN u’ve grew to become.the journey was amazin,n there’s more ahead for u,bt lemme tel u,man,it ws great to be there to witness the before & afta of a boy turning into a fine man.im proud as hell…. =)

i love u to bits,more than everything,n i’ve never told u this bcuz it’s embarrassing,haha,bt life is short so im tellin u nw,i love u n it’s bn great times!!!!!! thks 4giving me back wat i’ve lost these few yrs of disillusionment.

thks for helping me feel again…

i Dream....

of light salty sprays of breakin surf agnst bare,sun-kissed skin..

of runnin barefoot,tiptoed on cold hardwood floors into warm open arms..

of a crackling firelit carpet,listenin to pattering rain,lying in swirling scents of deep woody,coffee tinted love.

of endless fields of lilies bursting forth in blinding sunshine,butterflies kissing wild,dew-soaked hair.

of aimless staring into the depths of a soul,familiar light touch of fingertips on skin of heightened senses.

of security in a gesture to lie in the swell n groove of rippling tanned arms.

of silence settling comfortably around 2 books n a warm cup of hot chocolate,flowing hair in ur soft lap, while white flakes fall lightly in piles past the window.

of wandering silent streets at midnight,hand in hand,delving into life,God,past,future,love,regrets;meandering pathways lit by our hushed whispers of sweet nothings as if time were our own n this were neverending.

of pale silvery light warming ur brown canvas,the swelling n filling of my heart,endless;gazing into dark depths of ur unknown,wild n bewildering,captivating a soul’s insatiable curiosity.

of the first lingering feel,the moment rite before 2 worlds collide,a second b4 the explosion of emotions amalgamate into 1searing connection between 2 souls.

of intense craving of a simple bowl of fresh crisp salad with surprising tuna chunks in oil.

of careless abandon of any pretenses n fear of rejection,feeling completely n entirely what i feel,with no need for any shroud to mask the compelling wave of falling into an endless sea of swelling insane emotion.

of orange-purple soaked hues of the sun setting on Hagia Sophia,the towering walls in Istanbul,the call to prayer amidst the Byzantine domes,casting her shadows on 2souls trespassing a time-worn historical divide;staring into the longest moment of fading light,head on chest,hand on heart,caught in this moment forever.

of christmastime with a real pine,minus the frills.perfect white tea candles with dancing flames lit in every corner gently illuminating redwood panelling, plush cushions,velvet cushions,soft sinking cushions strewn on every imaginable surface,steak with mashed potatoes n red wine.strong arms around,caring,searching deep into the depths of me,n sweeping me up in an embrace,watching the stars n as 2universes melt as 1,together,wonder abt the constellations n life beyond time.

I dream…of having it all n so much more,more than i can ever list.

hey baby gal,

hey baby gal,
giv me ur hand,
i’ll hold u close,
n never let go,
no matter wat the world throws.

hey baby gal,
give me ur heart,
n i’ll keep it safe,
from all the pain,
i’ll be ur fortress,ur shield, ur man.

hey baby gal,
u r my world,
watch u breathe,
life in my hands,
u r all i have,u r all i need.

hey baby gal,
believe in me,
giv me strength giv me faith,
watch u laugh,feel ur smile,
i m all i cn be with u in my life.

hey baby gal,
tk my breath away,
u’re mine n i stil can’t believe,
u gave me all,n u never faltered,
u never gave up on me,n i noe u’d never leave.

hey baby gal,
im sori i lied,
this is not hw i tot it wud end,
i ws so sure i ws doin d rite thing,
n nw ur heart wil never mend.

hey baby gal,
pls forgive me,
i never existed,it’s all in ur mind,
an illusion,a mirage,
saltwater to a sailor adrift alone on the ocean shrine.

hey baby gal,
stop dreamin of me,
im not real,im just a mist,
wrap my arms arnd u,
freeze ur heart, cold death kiss.

hey baby gal,
u’ve lost ur rosey glow,
disillusioned,jaded,
learn2live alone in a world,
wher day light brings wolves who prey on baby girls.

i cant cry..

crash n burned,
u sit ther lookin sorry,
‘im sorry’ is all u have,
picture me,in my pain;
u hv no clue do u,
wat u did;i’m now broken.
u claim dey all broke ur heart,
well b glad cuz nw im broke,
try to cry bt ther’s no tears,
can’t feel can’t breathe can’t speak,
‘im diffrnt,dun b afraid2love me.time will tell…’
time DID tell,
u’re exactly the same,a jerk of the highest level.

i noe u’re hapi it’s done,
i noe u’re relieved im gone,
i hope u rot in pain,i hope u feel the same;
NO,i hope u feel infinitely more,
i can’t cry,bcuz ther’s nothin to cry abt.
u were long gone fr my heart b4 u opened ur mouth.

then y is my heart dead.
I can’t feel anymore.
hv a funeral,burst out the champagne.
sophia died today,i hope u’re hapi.

my epitaph:

‘lived gullible,trusting,screwed over,died.’

to the men we love..

MEN. they hv no idea the effort n sacrifices we put in.especially for the ones we love.

U say u’ll call; WE sit n wait.evry ring of the phone,our heart skips a beat.our lives suddenly revolve arnd a silent phone.

U say let’s go out at 8pm; WE start obsessing abt wat2wear at 2pm.stand in front of our wardrobe thinkin,shit shit shit,i look lk crap in ALL of these!!! cancel all other plans with our frens..we do our hair,our nails,shave,make up,dress up,perfume…all that jazz. just for an hour of ur time at dinner.AND U GO N CANCEL IT LAST MINUTE.

U say im not perfect; WE noe u’re not,bt y cant u jz put in SOME effort? we noe we’re not perfect either,we try our best2let u tink so,taking the effort2look good all the time,learn hw2cook,etc. WE try our best,we noe we hv flaws,heck,we see dem evryday,taunting us (our weight,our height,our nose,our cheeks,our hips,our boobs,our legs,our butt,etc…),bt we try SO hard2please u,y can’t u jz TRY??

U say im busy; WE tink ’so how much space do we actually occupy in ur life n wher do we actually stand?’

U say u’re so clingy; WE try to hold back,forcing ourselves to delete ur number so we won’t call u,waiting4hours4u to make the 1st call so we wun seem needy.

U say i need space; WE sit alone in our room,thinking of u n wat u’re doin n is this relationship going dwn the drain n wat did we do wrong this time.

U say come over; WE noe u’re jz lonely n most probly it’s jz a booty call,bt we’d rather b in ur arms n hv no self-worth,than feelin lk a loser missing u.

U say it’s gettin late u hv to go; WE tink oh god, i RILY am jz a booty call.im so stupid.

U say im thinkin of u; WE tink ‘is he jz sayin it? is he jz tryin to get me to go over again?’

U say i Love u; WE tink ‘pls pls pls dun say dat,u dun noe wat love is,dun get my hopes up.dun tel me u love me pls….cuz u dun mean it,n when we say it,we MEAN it.dun give me false temporary happiness.’

U ask do u love me; WE tink ‘asshole..im madly in love w u. U dun noe hw it feels2b a gal n be madly in love.’ N when u tel HIM hw madly in love u are w him,he tinks he’s finally gotten the upper hand,nw he’s in control n he cn start slacking off in the relationship. all he wants is2noe wher he stands in the rltnshp,whether he’s the boss now.

U say i noe u’re independent n cn tk cre of urself; WE tink he’s telling us2get a life n not bother him with our petty problems.

U say i hv no feelings4my ex nw she’s out of my life; WE tink u wr so crazy abt her the only way u cud move on afta she broke ur heart is to get together with us n use us2distract urself.

U say im doin my best baby; WE tink so now we’re a burden n he has to put a herculean effort jz2stay with us.

U say u’ve put on weight; WE tink GOD,im fat fat fat fat fat, he dusn love me anymore,wait,did he EVER love me b4???

U say u’re beautiful;WE tink oh man,we’re jz another gal in his life he tels these lines to.lk to all his 9 gfs before.n probably countless others that he’s screwed.

–> to all the men out ther who grew up w boys,went to a boys school,never had sisters or close gal frens = pls noe this,u wil NEVA understand hw it feels to b a gal in love. we hv it in our genes to give n give n give til ther’s nothing left. n ALL u do is tk n tk. All we ever hope is4u 2love us unconditionally,n treat us with love n respect n as equals. n when u break our hearts,quite frequently,n sadly,most gals wil stil stay n hope dat 1 day u’ll realise hw much we LOVE u.

SO on behalf of all the gals who r waitin,heartbroken n too in love to tel the guy if u’re gona tk me4 granted u cn jz FUCK OFF, im gona say this:

to ALL the men who’v broken our hearts, WE hope u go thru d same SHIT we went thru with u.WE hope u fall madly in love with the 1 gal who’ll use u n DITCH u,break ur heart,stomp all over the pieces n leave u high n dry. WE hope u wait4DAYS 4her to call n SHE NEVER calls. n den u find her screwing with ur best fren or ur BROTHER.

the best part is,we hope that WE’LL b dat gal 2break U.

PS: the above statements r solely my opinions, based on past relationships n the experiences of countless frens who went thru shit relationships. ur GF might b totally different.In dat case,good for her. *applause.*

payback time.

do we hv a rite to dish out judgement? does any1 of us hv d rite? i mean,wt if it's RILY a deserving judgement?does dat count?

i gues revenge is sweet...i mean,it's RARELY a person hs d opportunity2punish sum1 for wat dey did2u...it almost always NEVER happens.so if u get a chance lk dat,

wat do u do????

if u're a gal,u NOE wt i mean... d tears,d pain,d wishing n praying dat 1 day,oh pls pls pls,dat 1 day in the future,dat bastard wil get a taste of his own medicine.dat he'll feel 100x wat u felt.wat he deserves.

n when dat day comes (which supposedly NEVA does) u'll b d one laughing n makin him grovel....a beautiful fantasy,i noe.n we all end up movin on fr d hurt n letting go of that fantasy.

bt wat happens if dat opportunity presented itself 1day?????????

WUD U tk it? wat's d rite thing to do? tk 1 down for ALL of womankind out ther,or hv compassion on the poor bastard who ws stupid enuf2tink dat he'd b able to try2screw with u?

i had a fren who played out a player.i mean,2her it felt lk the rite thing2do at dat time.only problem ws,it turned out the guy ws sincere dat tme,with her.no1 expected dat,i mean,players wil alwiz b players.bt the poor bastard fell4her hard,n she tot she ws doin d rite thing by playin him out. then sumtin happened,n she saw the compassionate side of him,a side of him she neva knew. i still rmbr dat nite,i ws standin at my apartment door n she came in tears:

"i tot he ws an asshole sophia,all the stories i heard.n yet he did all dat stuff for those ppl....he does hv a heart.i tot he ws an asshole.i rily tot he ws.wat hv i done sophia,wat hv i done.i tot he ws an asshole.."

that's the difference with guys n gals. gals r softies deep dwn. the closer u get to a person,the more warped ur vision gets,u start seeing the good pts n the goal of this whole elaborate game starts losing it's priority.next thing u noe,u start losing focus.Worst case scenario,u mite fall4d asshole u wr tryin2screw over n end up gettin screwed over instead,AGAIN.

the risks of playin with a persons feelings,u forget that u too r human with feelings. but the tantalizing sweetness of revenge is all too tempting,the having of that kinda power over sum1.

careful who u mess with,if u're not a pro,the whole thing might jz blow up in ur face.is the risk of losing evrytin u had together, worth the satisfaction of making him go thru hell lk how u went thru...?

in this case,im inclined to think so.

too bad u asshole.

Exams n love.

EXAMS.....

It's always ther....they're always haunting us....
n evrytime ther's an exam,here i will be...wasting my time doin sumtin else.... like blogging,eating,sleeping,watching tv...

darn it...i suck.

btw,i went out with sum1 dat day...i noe i noe,im not supposed to...bt it ws an innocent thing.on my part at least....
he's nice,we click,bt i get the feelin he's a bit pretentious,like he's tryin to be sum1 he's not... i duno if he's tryin to impress me ke,he's tryin to hide sumtin ke....duno la...
it's been a long long time since i've went out w sum1....
i duno wat im thinkin...
is it ok to settle dwn with sum1 u dun love bt who's madly in love with u??
i mean,u'll be happier rite? my mom n my dad succeeded.... 4 kids n they're stil goin strong...

wonder how is it like to be with sum1 u're madly in love with...........
isn't it tiring?i mean,aren't u lk alwiz on the edge,wondering if dey rily love u,wondering when r they gonna walk out the door,breakin ur heart into a billion pieces...
i mean,im rily happy n comfortable now,i dun hv to wori abt him leavin me,abt my heart gettin broken cuz i NOE he loves me....n even if he leaves (which he won't) i'll be ok.....

but 1 year 4months later,here i m wondering how it feels like to be in love.....to have, wat sum1 so appropriately put it "sparks"...
im too afraid of falling in love i gues.... im too afraid of sparks,cuz dey cn burn....
i dun wana get burnt...
i'd rather be on the safe side..... PLUS,evry guy i've ever fallen for dusn feel the same way abt me,so wat's the pt of tryin rite? duno la....i mean,if i venture out n put myself out ther,i stand not only to get hurt, i most likely will be snubbed like a million tmes b4 i even get close enuf to feel the 'crazy,madly in love' feeling...

EXAMS alwiz do dis shit to me.... i start thinkin too much abt insignificant n inconsequential stuf..
screw exams,malas la...

FINALLY I CN LOG ON!!!!

finally......

after so so many attempts in logging in....i finally found out what happened to my blog address..
RILY HATE BEING SO COMPUTER ILLITERATE!!

N the slow internet connection in jogja is not helping....
by the time i figure out what's goin on,i hv a huge headache from staring too long at the screen!

so now im back to blogging....to rambling like a mad women...
haha.too bad for u guys...

anyway,
my beloved rabbit died.

i ws so so in love w her...a super adorable ANGORA rabbit..
she ws barely a month old and i had her for less than a week
n den we had carolling in my rented house.
n all the ppl came to watch us 'spread the JOY'...
n as usual la,ppl who cum,dey c ur rabbit,n dey go nuts over her...

'ahhh....so cuuuuutte...cn i play w her???!!!pls.....'

n i mean,i'll jz look selfish if i say no rite?
so me bein nice n unselfish n kind n blah blah blah..
decided to let dem play w her.
now trust me when i tel u dis:
NEVA TRUST PPL/FRENS/BATCHMATES/HUMANS other than urself with things dat u treasure deeply,cuz in d end dey neva treat it as carefully as how u wud treat it...

n so d my rabbit ws traumatised with their handling....i hv completely no idea how d hell dey handled her but d next day

MY RABBIT DIED

u cn imagine how pissed off i ws...
she ws barely 1 month old..a baby!!!
n dey fuckin killed her.murdered her.in cold blood.
she ws scared to death.cn u imagine bein frightened to death??!!!!!!!

i swear i'll neva trust ANYONE w what i treasure.cuz dey'll jz tk4granted n destroy it.
ruined my christmas summor.
i cried 4a whole day n ws pissed w d whole world for a real long tme.
bt she's gone...POOFY is gone,n no amt of rage or remorse wil eva bring her bac.

SO HERE'S TO POOFY....
she ws d best rabbit any1 cud hv.im sori i ws so negligent n contributed2ur death.
wish i cud change wat happened bt i cant.
may u remain in our hearts 4eva n may u b in peace wherever u r rite now.

love,
sophia

why....

dis few months hv been a perfect bliss...
im so so hapi w him n he jz tks good care of me...

but 2day,suddenly....i duno y..
i ws jz a sudden feelin of d need to b away fr him..
hv i bn spendin too much tme?it's so odd...

we were happily eatin in kim gary,chattin n havin fun ,
den i went off2 d washroom..n when i came bac fr d washrm,it ws lk,sudd i was another person...i din lk d closeness anymor,felt lk i needed space all of a suddn..
din wan2 b lovey-dovey.din feel d need2b close..

suddenly,i felt d need to kp my personal space 2myself...
dis so dusn mk sense at ALL!!!sum1 who's bn thru dis xplain wat's goin on to me!!!!
im goin mad...how cn i sudd not hv feelins4my bf anymore...dat's lk horrible...sudd feel lk maintainin a distance..
sigh...y do i sudd feel pullin away...??????
i dun understand...n even if it's normal...
lk,d feelin wil fade a bit,it shud happen gradually,slowly,not all of a sudden afta comin bac fr d washrm!!
@@???

y?y? i dun get it....argh......it's so horrible......
hw cn i sudd not wan2 b close 2 him anymor...sigh...n nothin happend in d washrm 2trigger it...i din c any1,i din do anytin out of d ordinary...
WHY???

sum1 pls tel me it's gonna b ok....
cant lose feelngs4 a person dis easily!
sigh...help.....!

randomness

u jz feel like crap...
u feel lk shit n unwanted n unloved (even tho off hand u can name quite a few ppl who love u)
these r days when u feel like punching sum1 or urself or hittin the world or jz drowning urself...
ahhh....
ppl r jz so tiring sumtimes...i wanna be w ppl who i can click w...who i dun hv to try so hard..i feel so tired la....
i wan2 be free...i wan2 break free...
ah....kim ong...everfree...
freedom fr tryin so hard..freedom fr bein w ppl who u jz pretend 2b fun w or in comparison w all d other ppl,u prefer hangin out w dem...
i wan2 go home la.....i tink mayb im jz home sick...
ah....i feel lk punchin sum1..or kissin sum1.
my tots r so jumbled up...i wan2 tk sum1 in my arms n cry n cry n cry...
n complain...n i duno la.i duno,i duno,i wan ian....
wat's wrong w me...he's jz sum random,nerdy...im mad la.
desperation breeds destruction.y cant i grow up n post bout othr stuff...
evrytin;s bout guys.evry post is cuz i hv issues w dis guy or dat..im a pot la.
i miss so so many ppl dat i use 2b damn close w.i mis my old lfe..
WAT AM I DOIN HERE???i m tired.im so tired.cant tk it.nd 2release my emotions.ah.........................feel lk pullin out my hair.
gimme an oar
gimme freedomlet me run barefoot among the lilies.
or jz place me in a field of lilies
let me b who i am
let me speak my mind
let snow fall in my roomlet rain drench me n nt fall ill
fill my heart w pink candy floss
shower me w ur love
let it rain gumdrop kisses cover the ground w clouds,
walk n pretend im in heaven
gimme life in a bowl of guppies
let me sit n stare 4eva n eva n eva
gimme life n let it feel real
let it be like wat i dream of.

comb in hair...

yeah...which idiot has ever had dat happen 2dem b4...??

me.

it's jz a sucky day4me....started in the mornin when my milk which i keep faithfully in the fridge ws suddenly in inexplicably thick n coagulated.it tasted fine...so i tried shakin it to liquidify it.

unfortunately 4me,the cover ws not tightly on,milk flew all over my study table,ie:all my notes,exp med books-->milk-tilated.
milk on floor,on wastepaper basket....at 5am in the mornin.

fuck.

if i had known at dat tme dat my day ws gonna get worse...i'd hv added more colour to my vocab...

took a bus to uni,as usual.
4got to mention.i'm damn freakin broke now,so takin bus to uni n walkin bac...far cry fr takin cab evry day...thk God we've been safe so far,the stories we hear bout buses,scary.
broke as in REALLY broke,only rp320,000 for 20days til my fixed deposit matures n i can touch the money my parents left me.dat equals to arnd rp11k per day.exchange rate rm1=rp2,400+ do the math.
n the 27th is a sat meanin i can only do the transaction on mon,29th,meanin i hv 2whole days wher i hv NO CASH AT ALL....ARGH!!!
so with all this in mind,i will return to the story of my blasted day..

so as i ws sayin,went to uni.n histo lab ws a HUGE drag....goodness..so freakin irritatin starin at slides.yeah,n at the end of it i put the slides back in the cardboard cover book,picked it up n "piang....(glass breakin sound)"

GREAT.

all eyes on me,all slides on the floor.sophia:"shit...!shit,shit.oh shit..."

1 slide= rp10k...3slides broke=rp30k
for a person who's DIS broke n alrdy hs 2starve for2days.that's lk shit.
thk God 4frens who slumberly pay for u first n not make a big deal about it.
i alrdy owe her so much money!!she actually paid for my credit cuz she knew i ws completely broke.

so now i jz wasted almost rm14 on freakin slides.u noe how many meals i can eat w dat money????

n i head home,take my bath,thk God dat i can hv some rest...
n so i stand in front of my mirror combing my hair,thk God i can rest..den later i hv to do my physio lab report,my biochem lab report,study anat....huh??
my comb's stuck.
tug..tug...it's rily stuck.

tug,tug.pull,untwine.
tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug tug

ARGH...!!!
stare at reflection.
tug tug tug tug,pull pull,untwine,pick,pull,tug...

dis goes on for half an hour but i shal spare my alrdy pathetic number of readers d details...(or readeR..wait,wat m i thinkin.who reads?!)

msg karen,SOS,help...
hw do u tel sum1 u hv a comb stuck in ur hair???
she ws sleepin.
so i had to keep tryin.

comb stuck in hair at 2.45pm.
slept off tryin to wake karen up...karen knocks at 5.30pm.
praise GOD.
now i can get the comb out of my hair,we'll hv a gud laugh,n i cn get back to my work......

half an hour of silence...
"is it dat bad??"

Karen:"erm...."

"oh no...."

K:"it's vry tangled at the tip of the comb(it's a round comb by the way)....."

10min of silence...

K:"i tink u shud go to a saloon."

"oh no...it's dat bad-ar???rily cant be saved?"
K:"it's bad la gal...go ther,dey can help.if cant untangle it,den u'll hv to cut..."

"huh?????dis can only eva happen to me la...wat nut does dis???"

call frens,ask for help..1st instinct,call mr baggy pants,the guy i hv a crush on nw...
n for sum weird inexplicable reason i cudn stop laughin.man,it ws so so so embarrasing!!i tink he got kinda irritated afta a while n when i said i'll hv to calm dwn n call him bac he said:"pls make it quick..." (he's so...not lk dat..mz hv irritatd him to da max.

anyway,when i called him again n told him w GREAT difficulty,in btwn guffaws of laughter,dat i hv a comb stuck in my hair...he quickly understood why i ws laughin so hard..
at dat tme,it seemed funny...he ws like "u hv a WAT?stuck in ur hair>???"
"is it dat bad?try unravellin it?(lk we haven been doin dat 4d past 1hour...)"

soph:"can u do me a huge favour n tk me to ambarukkmo mall to try n untwine it??cuz if cant den i tink it needs to be chopped off(n if u're ther to giv me emo support maybe v cn build our relationship n hopefully u'd like me too....??haha...)"

"try puttin oil??how in the world did a comb get stuck ther???????wat were u doin w the comb????"

soph:"i duno.....jz dun ask...n stop laughin!!!(even tho i ws laughin so hard i ws tearing....)

10 min of oil later...it's stil stuck.
he couldn't take me though...he ws going out ON A DATE w a gal he's intersted in.which is obviously not me...
haha..(laughter is the easiest way to ease the ‘ouch’ of ur heart.)

so dat leaves me w no option but to ask another guy who'd NEVA let me hear the end of it.sigh.change of outlook...nw it seems damn depressin.
called weng kit for help.
at dis point i sounded lk i ws about to cry....so laughter didn't ensue...

he arrived 10min later.
With a whole gang of guys.great!
“weng kit!!!y r dey all here???”
“We jz had to see it.wat did u do la??”
I turned around.all I had to do was stand ther,words were not necc to explain the situation…

N yes,evry1 burst into laughter.
“how the heck did a comb get stuck ther???”…..n yada yada..the usual que u’d ask a gal who has a COMB stuck in her hair.

so i went to amplaz(ambarukkmo mall/plaza).n d lady said who did dis??
sheepishly:"me.."
"u did it to urself???????" (all customers in hair saloon starin at me...sum gals giggling away...argh,cant a gal stick a comb thru her hair n get sum peace???!!!!)

it had to be cut la....
no choice.it couldnt be untangled.
n dis at the point of my 'i-wanna-grow-my-hair-long-cuz-it-looks-damn-sexy-long-n-str8' period.

nw i look poofy.the haircut makes my cheeks look chubby...my rebounded hair is no longer rebonded.

n im 1week more to exam.
sigh...sux.

back in jogja....

time flies.....ahhh...

back in jogja again,w lesehan n all..
but dis time sumthing's diffrnt...
when u start hanging out w difrnt ppl,evrytin looks less bleak...
it's fun now...haha...most of the time.

ws supposed to go dwn 2jakarta 2surprise gaya n bring her dwn w us..but she had sum intrvw thingy which is part of her xm...
so maybe not going now...
ARGH....miss her a lot....
can't bliv she's z comin...sigh...
imagine jogja clubbin scene w her arnd.GOSH.....

haha..

miss him.duno why.
the things he said abt me,i wil NEVER 4get,rily hate him 4dat...
makes me realise othr ppl wr rite....he ws jz playin arnd.
but stil deep in my heart.....wish dat things cud b difrnt.
part of me stil wan2 bliv dat he ws sincere....

but i wil jz close my eyes ,lift my head n move on.
n in dat small corner,store my unspoken hopes n dreams,dat'll neva come to pass.
rily miss him.but he'll neva noe.

ahh....home!!

ahhh......
im home!!
feels so good to hv evrytin at a drive away....
n the food here!the food.....i miss msia...the place where ALL kinds of food meet n u can get them anywhere!!
sigh...

Jogja x lk dat.....it's McD's is so rare...guess not popular.
evrytme end up eatin at the lesehan(roadside stalls) which serve indon food...
but i guess it mks u treasure home more....haha.

when i stepped into Sunway pyramid....it ws like coming home...!!!!!!
ahh.....starbucks,sushi king,waffle world,KIM GARY....!
n knowin me n food...it feels lk i've jz fallen madly in love...
sigh...i love my food!
now waitin to get my hands on mamak food!!maggi mee goreng,teh o ais limau,roti tissue,tosai,poori,roti telur....!!!ahh........sum1 sound the alert....my house's startin 2flood...

sigh...why la....food is such a huge thing to me...feel so deprived in jogja.haha...summore the chnse food's so difrnt fr home.MOM,I mISS ur siew pak choi,choi sum,kailan....vege....my heart...my soul.

nyway,it;s good comin back.

gud to get away fr evrytin,get a fresh perspective on lotsa stuff.
made me realise wat's truly imprtnt 2me...
i mean,there r things dat rily hurt u so so much...n u agonize over it..
but when u come away fr it,tk a break,u realise...u x rily nd 2lose sleep over it.
it's lk,it seemed imprtnt at dat pt in time,but den u realise wat's truly imprtnt n it's jz secondary...

evrytins jz been crazy...emotionally im not wired 2cope w crap lk dis...
i mean,my past experiences neva involved me puttin my heart n soul into things like dis,i mean,not in such an intense level as dis.
i tot wat's imprtnt is my feelings.dowan 2go thru wat i went thru again.
but wat i neva realised is dat,d more intense d feelings,the greater the hurt.

n it sux to be hurt,again.n again.
how stupid do i hv 2b b4 i learn...??
there're things u x rely on othr's judgement,
1 of it is dis...
u hv 2decide 4urself or u'll end up throwin a gud thing away cuz of bad advice fr ppl,n malicial rumours.
or u cud end up hurt,n heartbroken,cheated,cuz u refused to heed EVRY1 else's advice...u noe,when u ignore the warning signs n jz ram thru...
sigh..
both outcomes suck...so wat do i choose?
2wait?but it can't wait...decision nds 2b made soon.

BUT AM I HAPPY??
i tink mayb dat's d que i shd b askin...
it's ridiculous,the things i hv 2tolerate..
i din even care dat much in the beginnin..
so y izzit difrnt now?y do i care so much....??
y izzit so strong now?y do i feel like i can't lose dis....??

sum ppl were rite,now it seems lk im the 1carin more bout dis than the actual person who wanted in the beginnin.

but im tired.so dat's the answer...
im tired of thinkin,n makin decisions,n makin allowances,sacrifices,tryin to let go of my past in the process..hurtin so much.n 4wat?

how do u tel the truth fr a lie??
how do u noe whthr it's all real??
im thinkin,im so afraid of it,dat it'll all burst lk a bubble n evrytin wil be gone,n i'll oni b left w sticky messy soap.
it wil...im neva so fortunate in this arena...
it alwiz bursts in front of my face..
alwiz.
feel so down now...

i miss those times...but dey're x comin back..
wish i cud hear ur voice,tel me again...

ANGEL'S LIPS
it's a great song...love it alot.cuz the lyrics remind me how fake a guy can be...
go check it out ppl...x sure who sang it,prob the calling.sounds lk their kinda song...

wanna close my eyes n neva wake up...let it all fade away.

difference in opinion

ahhh...

wat do u do when sum1 keeps tryin to change u??

i mean...his pt of view makes sense too but then...
hear me out 1st k?

i beliv dat if a person loves u he'll accept u 4who u are...
not try to change u into sum1 u're not....
i mean if i can't b myself w the person im closest to....then who can i be myself with??
when am i able to feel free to act how i truly am,w no inhibitions, 2feel safe n not be afraid dat i'll be judged 4acting the way i am...
we all hv inhibitions when we;re in public...
we dun do watever we want whenever we want...

but i feel dat,w the person im closest to,if i cant act crazy or be myself...den how wil the realationship work???
i feel lk im walkin on ice...lk i hv to b careful of wat i say,or do,or act....
i can't be spontaneous for fear dat he wun lk it n wil judge me....

BUT....

HE THINKS.....
dat if u care 4a person...
u'll tell the person wat u dun lk about them...
u'll be honest in a rltnshp,n share watever displeases u w them..
u'll advise the person cuz u love them n want them 2change 4the better.
who else wil tell u wat r ur problems if not ur loved 1....?
it tks honesty to make a rltnshp work.
so if he dusn lk sumtin bout me,he;ll tell me...
n expect me 2change...

so how...???
who's rite???
i dun lk bein constantly on guard in a rltnshp...
constantly kept on my toes..
sigh...
oh,4instance...
he dusn like me sighing....accordin to him,chinse bliv dat if u sigh,
u're bringing bad luck on urself...
but i sigh VERY OFTEN....n since long b4 i can rmbr i've been sighing.....
sigh...
so i must change for him?
but it's jz sighing...

now i gtg.cuz my fren got tired of waitin for me n decided to jz call the cab to go home..dis is the problem when u stay with a person...summore v both stay so far..hc to go bac 2gethr....ugh...
sigh
bye.

I'm back....!

My goodness.....
time flies..no,it SUPER flies...err...
anyway,it's been more than 1 yr since my last post...
i myself can;t believe it.
SO SO SO SO many things hv happened since then n im struggling now to think of a way to summarize it all.....

hmm...

IT'S BEEN CRAZY!!!!!!!!

in this 1 yr...my life hs changed so so so drastically...i dun even noe wat to say!!!
it's rily hard to beliv im now sittin at a cc in jogja w a guy i barely noe typing an entry to my post...
haha...

im so confused....I'M ACTUALLY IN JOGJA!!!
after so so so long of tryin to run......i cant bliv it man...

it's jz so hard to describe the way i feel...
haha....i arrived at jakarta,took a transit n came here...
it's pretty ulu-fied but not as bad as i expected...
sumore it ws my sort of last choice...both me n karen wanted UI (for obvious reasons.....it;s in jakarta man.....!!!).but i guess i was too playful....didn;t study hard enuf.
haha....
thank God for KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!seriously...evrythin i went thru for the past 1 yr...i went thru w her...
bf problem...studies problem....problems of letting go of my past....
then as we settle dwn in jogja,stupid 'orientation' problem....we had this thing call 'OSPEK' which is actually ragging...
in hindsight...it;s not that bad n quite funny...
but last week...God,we wr so so so so so freaking scared!!!
we heard so many horror stories fr ppl bout how dey torture u n humiliate u in front of evry1 else....it was one of the HUGEST decisions i had to make....
4those of u who noe me.....I HATE 2MAKE DECISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
deciding wat to eat for lunch alrdy sends me into spasms of indecision.....
so felt rily proud of myself dat i made the RIGHT decision to go for that OSPEK thing...
haha...under no obligation...no coercian from any1 else...
no1 influenced me,but i jz sat n tot n tot n tot...goodness..
haha...i've grown up. =P

n the guy sitting nxt to me is reading this n laughing...
damn funny la now....wait la...i;ll get my revenge 1 day.
Gosh,im quite childish.but i dun care...
if i dun b dat now...when am i gonna act like dis rite??when im 28??????
haha....

anyway,back to OSPEK...
so we gathered there la....at the taman medika....
c...here it's called tmn medika...not 'The Medical Garden"...
haha...
EVRYTHING IS IN INDON!!!!!!!argh....it's so difficult when i 1st arrived.
sumore i rily dun like(this is an understatement,of all my languages,i rily hate malay man....)
malay....rily have to throw away my pride,be humble n accept evrything.
but the 1st day v went to a place which sells stuff in bulk....me n karen were SO SO SO IRRITATED!dahlah we were damn tired...we had to buy stuff for a room which we had not seen!!!!how do u do dat rite?wat if the place alrdy has wat u wanna buy...
n in jogja(i dunno bout the rest of indon..)
for 1barang...u have a GAZILLION choices!!!!(talk bout my problem of making decisions....it's like God decided:'since she;s like this...shall send her to a place where she hs to deal w this EVRY SINGLE FREAKIN TIME!!!n then there;s taxi,beca,bus....hv to think sumore which 1 to take...goodness.i shd jz get married n hv kids..settle my headache.hahahahaha.....)

anyway...so so so so many choices....1dumb floor mat took us so so so long 2decide which to buy...

sorry i digressed...
back to OSPEK...
v went for 2days n a nite...which ws quite lucky 4us cuz normally it's 3days 2nites.....
not lucky,God ws in charge...he prob knew me n karen would hv died if it ws 3 days....
goodness knows i almost did...
it was so difficult...being yelled at,n humiliated..(in karen's own words when 4the 1st time since i;ve known her,she cried like shit:" I've NEVER been called shit n pembawa sial n dog b4 in my entire life...."
u know how pissed i was at them for making her cry like dat....God....i swear if i was indian n i was there w her seeing her go thru it....i wud've lost it man....
haha....talk bout a small fry tryin to act macho....as if i could've done much.
anyway,i didn't kena as badly as her....again,God's hand...
i've never never prayed so much b4 in my life...
anyway....
it all turned out well....the seniors wr the most hated ppl in my life b4 OSPEK..
but after it....haha...funny how evrytin can change...
but seriously,we were so damn pissed off.
sumore me n karen had so much 2deal with....our kost(hostels here r called kosts) ws too far...we were tryin to move out...n den the snrs wr scaring us by sayin...u mz greet any1 u tink is a msian-la...or else wil kena during OSPEK..
i felt so fake greetin ppl jz bcoz of OSPEK...haha...
anyway....
evrytin turned out well..
very very hapi here in Jogja.
my main concern was whether i;ll make frens...knowing me....haha.
n i did..n it ws OSPEK dat brought those who went closer together...haha.
we all had stupid names given by the snrs dat we had to use during OSPEK.
n attributes which consisted of newspaper-made hats n tags...
we were made to be like fools who had 2do evrytin dey ordered.
any little mistake we did b4 OSPEK was made into a 'case' n thrown at our faces...
sigh.haha.
but God is good,there ws a snr who called me 2give me assignments 2complete by OSPEK.
he turned out to be quite a nice guy....
rily helped me a lot...haha...
can't blive there;s sum1 who's willing 2help so much...
but he quite immature sumtimes....even though he;s 26 already...
sighh...
haha.

anyway...tired n need to go back cuz my kost's gate closes at 9.30pm...
bye...

Photos of me at home!!

-me!!with the squish elaine,alex,sue,n carynl gave me.i sleep w it every night..sounds wrong.
-the view outside my window..wow...'stunning'.
-my brother Joseph.Cool attitude man..

Ashleigh's Tears

and she returned.
bare-footed,white-faced,silky translucent shreds all about her.
"where hv they gone?
they were here not so long ago....."
and she gathered their remains in her bosom,
n there under the dying fir tree,she sobbed.
she wept for the spirits of laughter long gone.

laughter does not have a spirit!
well who told u so?

she held the souls of her memories in her arms,
rocking back n forth as she wept for the pain of all those before her,and all those who'll follow her.
"is this how it will be for all who tread this path??"
silver rays of moonlight illuminate her tears,and cradling her ashen face.
and she wept on.

for housewives with monotone lives,for successful businessmen who do not know love,for unborn children whose lives were taken by irresponsible parents,
for dreams bottled up,for hopes dashed,for lovers lost,for life unfulfilled,for opportunities lost,for love uncherished,for people crying out for help silently as they tie their noose.
for hearts broken,for women who forgive their partners over n over again,for men who lost her and were left with rivers of memories n a living,breathing image of her,for parents who try so hard n yet still get shut out by their kids,for children who will never know wat it means to be innocent.

and she wept on.
when the whole world chooses to forget,she gathers these feelings,the memories n she weeps.
the tears that others refuse to cry.
Be strong,be a man,don't let others see u weak,
feelings hidden,pushed behind,suppressed.
i'll get thru this,i will.
they won't hurt me,they won't,i'm strong,
i dun need any1.i won't let them see me like this.
i'm independant,i'll make it on my own.
she weeps for them.
she sobs,she cries her heart out.
and there she kneels,with ash around her,the soft breeze dries her tears.
and yet they keep falling,
not stopping,
when will it end?
Ashleigh, don't cry.

Prayer for 2005

Prayer for 2005
Lord,
Grant me the strength to live above circumstances.
Build my faith,
help me to trust in You.

Lord,
i know You have a plan for me,
reveal it to me,give me hope,
i don't know what is in store for me.
Help me let go of my steering wheel and
hand it over to You.

Lord,
take control of my life,
help me to rise above the opinions the
views of others,
help me to stand up and out for You.
Help me to live a life for You.
give me wisdom to know when to speak out,
and when to keep quiet.

Lord,
help me to be sensitive to the needs of others,
for all my unsaved friends,
I love them so so much,
give me boldness to share Your love to them.
They need You desperately in their lives and they
don't know it.

Lord,
give me the words to say,
create opportunities and help me seize them when they pass,

Lord,
I need You in my life,
I have been trying to drive for too long,
i've made a mess out of it.
I wanna live my life in accordance to Your will.

Lord,
I pray for my family,
help us to grow stronger in You together,
Protect my father,my mother and my brothers.

Lord,
i give You my life,
take it and mould it accordingly,
use me Lord.
Amen.
Delete It

So soon..

oh year,
how fast u've passed.
i'm suddenly 5 min to reaching 18.

i'm gonna be almost an adult,
getting freedom i never dreamed of.
18 seemed so far away,
i thought it would be eons to reach that coveted age.

and now the clock ticks on,
3 min more to being 18,
as i type this i feel old,
very old.

i've been through so so much this year,
an excrutiatingly painful stretching year.
a crazy emotional roller-coaster,
the ups,the downs,the spinning n nauseating ride of my life.

how far do i have to walk,
how much more do i hv to travel alone?

i'm officially 18 now according to the clock on my computer.
in a secluded college,
deep in the jungle.
empty shop-lots surround me...planes fly overhead.
with ppl i've grown to accept.
to learn not to look with judging eyes.
to learn that differences.

my frens just barged into the cyber cafe...
i;m going out now!!!!