Wow,it's been a yr??

Holidays...

so im on holidays.... n at 1st its a whirlwind of wat to eat 2day n wher to go n wat to buy n wat to fix....
bt goin on my 2nd week... im startin to get kinda bored...
i wana go out n shop!!!! i wana buy cute floral dresses... n yummy sexy heels....
sniff..... n i wana go on dates w cute guys... or actly any guy dat i cn hv a decent conversation with....
bt most of all...i wana hit the clubs.=( y do i hv strict parents.....
aaaaaahhhhhhh........ honestly,im gettin old,tme to stop for good. it's a gud thing luqman got married n stopped clubbing. n aaron's like totally into his gf so evry1's in a stable relationship n no1 hits d clubs nymor,at least nt w me... d juniors go,bt i feel so damn old arnd dem...
OLD FART!!! find ppl ur own age2hang out with.
i wonder if any residents hit clubs.... i wud love to hang out w em instead...at least SUM thing!!
im so afraid to enter the hospital to start my clinicals... sigh,wat if i suck n i screw up often? wat if i get shouted at 24/7??
wat if accidentally cry?

damnit.
i shud sleep n stop thinking.
U'RE ON HOLIDAY!!

white horse-taylor swift

“all i wan is u!do u love me?”
“……..yea….”
“cn u gimme another chance?”

say you’re sorry,that face of an angel
comes out just when you need it to
as i paced back and forth all this time
cause i honestly believed in you

holding on,the days drag on
stupid girl,i should have known
i should have known.

im not a princess,this aint a fairy tale
im not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stairwell

This aint Hollywood,this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you went n let me down
now it’s too late for you & your white horse,to come around.

“i neva tot i’d nd anybody like him,i feel lk he’s evrytin i’ve eva wanted.”
“babe,ther’s sumtin u shud noe abt him.”

baby i was naive,got lost in your eyes
and never really had a chance
(my mistake,i didn’t know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand)
i had so many dreams about you & me
happy endings,now i know

im not a princess,this aint a fairy tale
im not the 1 you’ll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stairwell

this aint Hollywood,this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you went & let me down
now it’s too late for u & ur white horse,2come arnd

& ther u r on ur knees
begging for forgiveness,begging for me
just like i alwiz wanted bt im so sori

cause im not ur princess,this aint a fairytale
im gonna find sum1 sumday who might actually treat me well
this is a BIG world,that ws a small town
there in my rearview mirror disappearing now

and it’s too late for u n ur white horse
nw it’s too late for u n ur white horse,to catch me now

“do u love me?”
“….yea….”
“cn u gimme another chance?”
“no.”

oh,try & catch me now
oh,it’s too late to catch me now

to a decade of frenship

feels good to be home…

feels good to meet up with old friends.

feels good to be treated well…

in all honesty,i’ve forgotten how beautiful & wonderful it felt to be treated right,to be taken care of. u noe, he’s not even someone who’s trying to date me or impress me, he’s just a real good friend.and he made me feel like a million bucks! i’ve totally forgotten how it feels to not be let down,to have someone open the door for me when i get out of the car,take me out to dinners,decide for me when i cant make up my mind(which ALWIZ happens),pick up the bill like it’s no big deal (it IS a big deal,i cant bliv he stil does it,cuz no1 is expecting him to do dat….chivalry died a long while back so it’s pretty amazing…),tel me how pretty i looked and basically was a real gentleman and took such gud care of me!!

dis whole tme away,i truly believed i didn’t deserve more than wat i was being treated as…i tot dis ws al ther is dat i cn eva ask for.n den u showed me wat i didn’t noe stil existed.& dis feeling of being treated like a princess,is more than anything i could ask for. i rily wana thank u,for taking care of me all these yrs.evn though we’ve been far apart,EVRY single tme i come home,u take the effort to catch up,take care of me,watch my back…i want u to know it means more than anything to me….it made me feel alive again,made me realise i truly didn’t deserve dat crap,& realise there ARE great guys arnd,just VERY few & they’re all taken…

plus u wr ther4ur ex evn tho she screwed u over,u took care of her when her bf kicked her away at the most critical moment,& i look at u n applaud.u rily,truly R a MAN. n im proud to be ur friend.

since high school u’ve bn ther4me.we’ve had our ups n downs bt u’ve ALWIZ bn ther4me.n i took it for granted.as a young naive girl with huge ambitions,i tot ther ws better out ther,& after 5 yrs of being EVRYWHER,seriously,i’ve bn so many places,seen so mny kinds of ppl, u’re STIL amazing,no1 comes close.u wr right,it IS my loss.ur loyalty,how sweet u r,how amazing u treat ur gf,is jz….one of a kind. she’s a real lucky girl,im sure she knows it,and im SO hapi4u dat u guys r gettin hitched.it’s a great thing,im sure it’ll b wonderful!!absolutely!!!

rite now,im jz hapi our friendship lasted this long,with no blemishes,no fights,nothing to mar the sweetness of it.i tot the world ran out of men like u,cuz so far all the men i’ve met,r no longer wat i grew up thinkin men shud be.i tot that’s jz d way it is nowadays,im bein unrealistic,my stds r too high cuz dey dun exist no more. n U came arnd n blasted all my self-doubts to smitherenes.my stds r NOT too high,U proved that u DO exist.

im jz real hapi right nw,im jz basking in the beauty of our frenship cuz i noe it wun last.things r not foreva,n when u guys tie d everlasting,foreva knot,i noe it’s goin to b diffrnt.friends r no longer a priority,family comes 1st,n ur own family(sounds pretty off the wall crazy!! cant imagine u startin a family babe!!!!) wil come 1st….dat’s d 1 problm with havin best frens who r guys,u NOE in ur heart dat whn d tme comes u’ve gotta lose ur fren,cuz u cant b selfish no more…they’ve got their own lives to live…,whereas evn if ur girl bff gets married,it’s no biggie,u guys cn stil hang out.haha.

im jz sittin here,reminiscing,all the great tmes we had.it’s a sign of growin up n growing old,soon i’ll be leavin my 20s behind,n as much as it hurts,i NOE i’ve had u once in my life,n we’ve had great tmes,n u hv by far set THE std for evry1 else. thk u for sharing ur love with me,im gona miss u terribly bt at the same time,im EXCEEDINGLY hapi 4u both.it’ll b an honour to attend ur wedding,and watch u walk into the shoes of this MAN u’ve grew to become.the journey was amazin,n there’s more ahead for u,bt lemme tel u,man,it ws great to be there to witness the before & afta of a boy turning into a fine man.im proud as hell…. =)

i love u to bits,more than everything,n i’ve never told u this bcuz it’s embarrassing,haha,bt life is short so im tellin u nw,i love u n it’s bn great times!!!!!! thks 4giving me back wat i’ve lost these few yrs of disillusionment.

thks for helping me feel again…

i Dream....

of light salty sprays of breakin surf agnst bare,sun-kissed skin..

of runnin barefoot,tiptoed on cold hardwood floors into warm open arms..

of a crackling firelit carpet,listenin to pattering rain,lying in swirling scents of deep woody,coffee tinted love.

of endless fields of lilies bursting forth in blinding sunshine,butterflies kissing wild,dew-soaked hair.

of aimless staring into the depths of a soul,familiar light touch of fingertips on skin of heightened senses.

of security in a gesture to lie in the swell n groove of rippling tanned arms.

of silence settling comfortably around 2 books n a warm cup of hot chocolate,flowing hair in ur soft lap, while white flakes fall lightly in piles past the window.

of wandering silent streets at midnight,hand in hand,delving into life,God,past,future,love,regrets;meandering pathways lit by our hushed whispers of sweet nothings as if time were our own n this were neverending.

of pale silvery light warming ur brown canvas,the swelling n filling of my heart,endless;gazing into dark depths of ur unknown,wild n bewildering,captivating a soul’s insatiable curiosity.

of the first lingering feel,the moment rite before 2 worlds collide,a second b4 the explosion of emotions amalgamate into 1searing connection between 2 souls.

of intense craving of a simple bowl of fresh crisp salad with surprising tuna chunks in oil.

of careless abandon of any pretenses n fear of rejection,feeling completely n entirely what i feel,with no need for any shroud to mask the compelling wave of falling into an endless sea of swelling insane emotion.

of orange-purple soaked hues of the sun setting on Hagia Sophia,the towering walls in Istanbul,the call to prayer amidst the Byzantine domes,casting her shadows on 2souls trespassing a time-worn historical divide;staring into the longest moment of fading light,head on chest,hand on heart,caught in this moment forever.

of christmastime with a real pine,minus the frills.perfect white tea candles with dancing flames lit in every corner gently illuminating redwood panelling, plush cushions,velvet cushions,soft sinking cushions strewn on every imaginable surface,steak with mashed potatoes n red wine.strong arms around,caring,searching deep into the depths of me,n sweeping me up in an embrace,watching the stars n as 2universes melt as 1,together,wonder abt the constellations n life beyond time.

I dream…of having it all n so much more,more than i can ever list.

hey baby gal,

hey baby gal,
giv me ur hand,
i’ll hold u close,
n never let go,
no matter wat the world throws.

hey baby gal,
give me ur heart,
n i’ll keep it safe,
from all the pain,
i’ll be ur fortress,ur shield, ur man.

hey baby gal,
u r my world,
watch u breathe,
life in my hands,
u r all i have,u r all i need.

hey baby gal,
believe in me,
giv me strength giv me faith,
watch u laugh,feel ur smile,
i m all i cn be with u in my life.

hey baby gal,
tk my breath away,
u’re mine n i stil can’t believe,
u gave me all,n u never faltered,
u never gave up on me,n i noe u’d never leave.

hey baby gal,
im sori i lied,
this is not hw i tot it wud end,
i ws so sure i ws doin d rite thing,
n nw ur heart wil never mend.

hey baby gal,
pls forgive me,
i never existed,it’s all in ur mind,
an illusion,a mirage,
saltwater to a sailor adrift alone on the ocean shrine.

hey baby gal,
stop dreamin of me,
im not real,im just a mist,
wrap my arms arnd u,
freeze ur heart, cold death kiss.

hey baby gal,
u’ve lost ur rosey glow,
disillusioned,jaded,
learn2live alone in a world,
wher day light brings wolves who prey on baby girls.

i cant cry..

crash n burned,
u sit ther lookin sorry,
‘im sorry’ is all u have,
picture me,in my pain;
u hv no clue do u,
wat u did;i’m now broken.
u claim dey all broke ur heart,
well b glad cuz nw im broke,
try to cry bt ther’s no tears,
can’t feel can’t breathe can’t speak,
‘im diffrnt,dun b afraid2love me.time will tell…’
time DID tell,
u’re exactly the same,a jerk of the highest level.

i noe u’re hapi it’s done,
i noe u’re relieved im gone,
i hope u rot in pain,i hope u feel the same;
NO,i hope u feel infinitely more,
i can’t cry,bcuz ther’s nothin to cry abt.
u were long gone fr my heart b4 u opened ur mouth.

then y is my heart dead.
I can’t feel anymore.
hv a funeral,burst out the champagne.
sophia died today,i hope u’re hapi.

my epitaph:

‘lived gullible,trusting,screwed over,died.’

to the men we love..

MEN. they hv no idea the effort n sacrifices we put in.especially for the ones we love.

U say u’ll call; WE sit n wait.evry ring of the phone,our heart skips a beat.our lives suddenly revolve arnd a silent phone.

U say let’s go out at 8pm; WE start obsessing abt wat2wear at 2pm.stand in front of our wardrobe thinkin,shit shit shit,i look lk crap in ALL of these!!! cancel all other plans with our frens..we do our hair,our nails,shave,make up,dress up,perfume…all that jazz. just for an hour of ur time at dinner.AND U GO N CANCEL IT LAST MINUTE.

U say im not perfect; WE noe u’re not,bt y cant u jz put in SOME effort? we noe we’re not perfect either,we try our best2let u tink so,taking the effort2look good all the time,learn hw2cook,etc. WE try our best,we noe we hv flaws,heck,we see dem evryday,taunting us (our weight,our height,our nose,our cheeks,our hips,our boobs,our legs,our butt,etc…),bt we try SO hard2please u,y can’t u jz TRY??

U say im busy; WE tink ’so how much space do we actually occupy in ur life n wher do we actually stand?’

U say u’re so clingy; WE try to hold back,forcing ourselves to delete ur number so we won’t call u,waiting4hours4u to make the 1st call so we wun seem needy.

U say i need space; WE sit alone in our room,thinking of u n wat u’re doin n is this relationship going dwn the drain n wat did we do wrong this time.

U say come over; WE noe u’re jz lonely n most probly it’s jz a booty call,bt we’d rather b in ur arms n hv no self-worth,than feelin lk a loser missing u.

U say it’s gettin late u hv to go; WE tink oh god, i RILY am jz a booty call.im so stupid.

U say im thinkin of u; WE tink ‘is he jz sayin it? is he jz tryin to get me to go over again?’

U say i Love u; WE tink ‘pls pls pls dun say dat,u dun noe wat love is,dun get my hopes up.dun tel me u love me pls….cuz u dun mean it,n when we say it,we MEAN it.dun give me false temporary happiness.’

U ask do u love me; WE tink ‘asshole..im madly in love w u. U dun noe hw it feels2b a gal n be madly in love.’ N when u tel HIM hw madly in love u are w him,he tinks he’s finally gotten the upper hand,nw he’s in control n he cn start slacking off in the relationship. all he wants is2noe wher he stands in the rltnshp,whether he’s the boss now.

U say i noe u’re independent n cn tk cre of urself; WE tink he’s telling us2get a life n not bother him with our petty problems.

U say i hv no feelings4my ex nw she’s out of my life; WE tink u wr so crazy abt her the only way u cud move on afta she broke ur heart is to get together with us n use us2distract urself.

U say im doin my best baby; WE tink so now we’re a burden n he has to put a herculean effort jz2stay with us.

U say u’ve put on weight; WE tink GOD,im fat fat fat fat fat, he dusn love me anymore,wait,did he EVER love me b4???

U say u’re beautiful;WE tink oh man,we’re jz another gal in his life he tels these lines to.lk to all his 9 gfs before.n probably countless others that he’s screwed.

–> to all the men out ther who grew up w boys,went to a boys school,never had sisters or close gal frens = pls noe this,u wil NEVA understand hw it feels to b a gal in love. we hv it in our genes to give n give n give til ther’s nothing left. n ALL u do is tk n tk. All we ever hope is4u 2love us unconditionally,n treat us with love n respect n as equals. n when u break our hearts,quite frequently,n sadly,most gals wil stil stay n hope dat 1 day u’ll realise hw much we LOVE u.

SO on behalf of all the gals who r waitin,heartbroken n too in love to tel the guy if u’re gona tk me4 granted u cn jz FUCK OFF, im gona say this:

to ALL the men who’v broken our hearts, WE hope u go thru d same SHIT we went thru with u.WE hope u fall madly in love with the 1 gal who’ll use u n DITCH u,break ur heart,stomp all over the pieces n leave u high n dry. WE hope u wait4DAYS 4her to call n SHE NEVER calls. n den u find her screwing with ur best fren or ur BROTHER.

the best part is,we hope that WE’LL b dat gal 2break U.

PS: the above statements r solely my opinions, based on past relationships n the experiences of countless frens who went thru shit relationships. ur GF might b totally different.In dat case,good for her. *applause.*

payback time.

do we hv a rite to dish out judgement? does any1 of us hv d rite? i mean,wt if it's RILY a deserving judgement?does dat count?

i gues revenge is sweet...i mean,it's RARELY a person hs d opportunity2punish sum1 for wat dey did2u...it almost always NEVER happens.so if u get a chance lk dat,

wat do u do????

if u're a gal,u NOE wt i mean... d tears,d pain,d wishing n praying dat 1 day,oh pls pls pls,dat 1 day in the future,dat bastard wil get a taste of his own medicine.dat he'll feel 100x wat u felt.wat he deserves.

n when dat day comes (which supposedly NEVA does) u'll b d one laughing n makin him grovel....a beautiful fantasy,i noe.n we all end up movin on fr d hurt n letting go of that fantasy.

bt wat happens if dat opportunity presented itself 1day?????????

WUD U tk it? wat's d rite thing to do? tk 1 down for ALL of womankind out ther,or hv compassion on the poor bastard who ws stupid enuf2tink dat he'd b able to try2screw with u?

i had a fren who played out a player.i mean,2her it felt lk the rite thing2do at dat time.only problem ws,it turned out the guy ws sincere dat tme,with her.no1 expected dat,i mean,players wil alwiz b players.bt the poor bastard fell4her hard,n she tot she ws doin d rite thing by playin him out. then sumtin happened,n she saw the compassionate side of him,a side of him she neva knew. i still rmbr dat nite,i ws standin at my apartment door n she came in tears:

"i tot he ws an asshole sophia,all the stories i heard.n yet he did all dat stuff for those ppl....he does hv a heart.i tot he ws an asshole.i rily tot he ws.wat hv i done sophia,wat hv i done.i tot he ws an asshole.."

that's the difference with guys n gals. gals r softies deep dwn. the closer u get to a person,the more warped ur vision gets,u start seeing the good pts n the goal of this whole elaborate game starts losing it's priority.next thing u noe,u start losing focus.Worst case scenario,u mite fall4d asshole u wr tryin2screw over n end up gettin screwed over instead,AGAIN.

the risks of playin with a persons feelings,u forget that u too r human with feelings. but the tantalizing sweetness of revenge is all too tempting,the having of that kinda power over sum1.

careful who u mess with,if u're not a pro,the whole thing might jz blow up in ur face.is the risk of losing evrytin u had together, worth the satisfaction of making him go thru hell lk how u went thru...?

in this case,im inclined to think so.

too bad u asshole.

Exams n love.

EXAMS.....

It's always ther....they're always haunting us....
n evrytime ther's an exam,here i will be...wasting my time doin sumtin else.... like blogging,eating,sleeping,watching tv...

darn it...i suck.

btw,i went out with sum1 dat day...i noe i noe,im not supposed to...bt it ws an innocent thing.on my part at least....
he's nice,we click,bt i get the feelin he's a bit pretentious,like he's tryin to be sum1 he's not... i duno if he's tryin to impress me ke,he's tryin to hide sumtin ke....duno la...
it's been a long long time since i've went out w sum1....
i duno wat im thinkin...
is it ok to settle dwn with sum1 u dun love bt who's madly in love with u??
i mean,u'll be happier rite? my mom n my dad succeeded.... 4 kids n they're stil goin strong...

wonder how is it like to be with sum1 u're madly in love with...........
isn't it tiring?i mean,aren't u lk alwiz on the edge,wondering if dey rily love u,wondering when r they gonna walk out the door,breakin ur heart into a billion pieces...
i mean,im rily happy n comfortable now,i dun hv to wori abt him leavin me,abt my heart gettin broken cuz i NOE he loves me....n even if he leaves (which he won't) i'll be ok.....

but 1 year 4months later,here i m wondering how it feels like to be in love.....to have, wat sum1 so appropriately put it "sparks"...
im too afraid of falling in love i gues.... im too afraid of sparks,cuz dey cn burn....
i dun wana get burnt...
i'd rather be on the safe side..... PLUS,evry guy i've ever fallen for dusn feel the same way abt me,so wat's the pt of tryin rite? duno la....i mean,if i venture out n put myself out ther,i stand not only to get hurt, i most likely will be snubbed like a million tmes b4 i even get close enuf to feel the 'crazy,madly in love' feeling...

EXAMS alwiz do dis shit to me.... i start thinkin too much abt insignificant n inconsequential stuf..
screw exams,malas la...