that's the only way to put the last 5months of my life...
a painful painful process of growing up.
i was wrong about the previous post as my last...
i'm very very down today,n the 1st thing that came to my mind was....hey..
i hv a blog....no one reads it....i can blog it!!!
sigh....it's been almost 6 months...like a REALLY good friend of mine once said...
"it's pass the grace period dear....u hv to let go..."
well.....I CAN'T !!!!!
i'm sorry....it hurts jz to write this.....everytime i think back on the times i had....
i tear.....i can't talk to anyone bout it either.....my parents n i get into HUGE arguments n i dun wanna hurt them no more......the ppl in my college...well....they dun noe wat it's like.....they hate me, i know.
why?
becuz i keep talking bout sumthing they never had a chance to hv...i keep talking bout spore...i keep comparing....i keep talking on and on and on bout how great it was there...the frens n all.....no wait...THE FRENS....it was an AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL 6months of my life.
n so...i hv no one here to talk about it....at all....
i always thought diaries were for pathetic ppl who hv no friends that they can spill their guts out to.....well....guess wat?? yup...i'm keeping one now....
wat have i become???
i no longer live in the present.i thrive on going back to spore to see my friends....i LIVE on the fact that i hv 1 1/2 yrs b4 i leave for indon....
oh...wow....get this...i am actually burning w anticipation to go to indon....
Lord....i need help....
i can't go on anymore.....
everytime i wake up....i dread another day in that college....
u know...i used to love going to SAJC....cuz in my heart....i loved it....
when i left for spore....i never looked back...sorry mum n dad....i hv to honestly say....
i didn;t miss ANYTHING......for the 1st 5 months...i didn't get the i can't wait to go home feeling....i didnt miss any of my friends...i didn't miss ANYTHING...
i always felt that there was sumthing wrong w me,when the ppl arnd me...my frens eva,sue,carynl talked about missing home....i never admitted to anyone there at that time but....i NEVER missed home.i LOVED where i was....i felt homesick only during the END OF JUNE....after i had spent a whole holiday month in spore.n that was only a small tinge....sigh....
i still rmbr going home in the cny hols...i woke up in my own bed wondering where i was....
i actually missed the ppl in spore while i was AT HOME!!!
is this wat life is about??? that when u finally find the place u love the most.....u hv to leave???
i still miss life there.....evryday of my life.....
i will regret it forever.....n to know that i'll never hv it again kills me inside...
thank god i'm a girl.....thank god i can cry n release it out.....
it's been 6 months....i still can't move on....
maybe i need counselling....i need help....the only thing that keeps me alive is praying n relying on GOD. but Lord...U hv to send me help soon cuz next year is gonna be 100x worse....
i'm gonna hv my A-s levels papers.....so i can;t see them....then after that THEY are gonna hc their A-levels....so i'm not gonna disturb them....n then san san has left for New Zealand...
jia fu's gonna end his ADP soon....n so i'll truly truly be alone...
but i've been ALONE for so long....is it training for the future Lord??
are U preparing me for worse? cuz i dun think i can take it Lord....
Give me strength Lord.....i can't go on alone....
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2 comments:
The very fact that you are praying that you will not be alone is proof that you aren't. While flesh and things of this Earth may fail, you can always rely on your Lord. Plus, we'll always be around for you. Sure, we may be busy at times and we may not always be there with you physically but you know that you can always count on us for companionship and support. Think Jackson Brothers' song: Just call my name, and I'll be there. If not physiacally, virtually.
Who are you trying to kid? If you had stayed on in Singapore, you would be bitching along with the rest of us about how awful this place is. Don't get me wrong, dear. I understand the trials you are facing at this point in life are many and difficult but the fact of the matter is that you face problems everywhere. Although the problems you are facing now are tough, you will get through and you know it so just suck it in and face each new day as a challenge to be faced so you can finally succeed. With your ultimate end in mind, the journey may ectually enjoyable because each day would be a step towards you becoming a happier person. Wouldn't it be a nice feeling graduating and knowing that you have fulfilled your ambition?
I'm still trying to understand your obsession with complaining about Singapore, Feeding Time. Maybe I'll finally achieve your wisdom and comprehension when I've lost my great appreciation for all the small things that happen everyday in my life.
Life is painful. There will never seem to be an end in all the pain that comes our way. The first step to living is to accept this truth. Why complain about things you can't help or change, about the truth that life will always be painful? Life is beautiful because it is painful.
Only when we realize pain is guaranteed and incessant can we begin to appreciate the beauty of life and its pleasures however small and insignificant they may be: a good book, laughter, a quiet moment alone to reflect and write.
I live my life one high at a time. I know I sound like a goddamn hippie. Call me an Epicurean, a hedonist or a fool but I believe in the small things. I believe in laughter. I believe in love. I believe in beauty. Because they are the true gifts that life itself (or God, if you prefer it that way) has strewn across the paths of fate.
We all look at the big picture and we break down when we see the enormity of life and its trials because we can't see the small things. There is just so much to trouble us that the mind cannot fully process the magnitude of our horror. We need to stop being so damned obsessed with the future and live in the now.
Plans are great, necessary if we want to live to the fullest. But we don't have to keep staring at the damn big-ass picture until our eyes pop out. A cursory glance every now and then to check our bearings and to occasionally chart a new course is all that's necessary.
Because yesterday is over. Tomorrow is not here yet. The only thing important is today.
Live one day at a time, like Feeding Time says. It is up to you how you perceive each new day. Feeding Time views each day as a new challenge to tackle as you march towards your dreams. I view each day as another day full of small pleasures to find and enjoy. How you view your day is up to you. But please, don't look at it like hell.
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