back in jogja....

time flies.....ahhh...

back in jogja again,w lesehan n all..
but dis time sumthing's diffrnt...
when u start hanging out w difrnt ppl,evrytin looks less bleak...
it's fun now...haha...most of the time.

ws supposed to go dwn 2jakarta 2surprise gaya n bring her dwn w us..but she had sum intrvw thingy which is part of her xm...
so maybe not going now...
ARGH....miss her a lot....
can't bliv she's z comin...sigh...
imagine jogja clubbin scene w her arnd.GOSH.....

haha..

miss him.duno why.
the things he said abt me,i wil NEVER 4get,rily hate him 4dat...
makes me realise othr ppl wr rite....he ws jz playin arnd.
but stil deep in my heart.....wish dat things cud b difrnt.
part of me stil wan2 bliv dat he ws sincere....

but i wil jz close my eyes ,lift my head n move on.
n in dat small corner,store my unspoken hopes n dreams,dat'll neva come to pass.
rily miss him.but he'll neva noe.

ahh....home!!

ahhh......
im home!!
feels so good to hv evrytin at a drive away....
n the food here!the food.....i miss msia...the place where ALL kinds of food meet n u can get them anywhere!!
sigh...

Jogja x lk dat.....it's McD's is so rare...guess not popular.
evrytme end up eatin at the lesehan(roadside stalls) which serve indon food...
but i guess it mks u treasure home more....haha.

when i stepped into Sunway pyramid....it ws like coming home...!!!!!!
ahh.....starbucks,sushi king,waffle world,KIM GARY....!
n knowin me n food...it feels lk i've jz fallen madly in love...
sigh...i love my food!
now waitin to get my hands on mamak food!!maggi mee goreng,teh o ais limau,roti tissue,tosai,poori,roti telur....!!!ahh........sum1 sound the alert....my house's startin 2flood...

sigh...why la....food is such a huge thing to me...feel so deprived in jogja.haha...summore the chnse food's so difrnt fr home.MOM,I mISS ur siew pak choi,choi sum,kailan....vege....my heart...my soul.

nyway,it;s good comin back.

gud to get away fr evrytin,get a fresh perspective on lotsa stuff.
made me realise wat's truly imprtnt 2me...
i mean,there r things dat rily hurt u so so much...n u agonize over it..
but when u come away fr it,tk a break,u realise...u x rily nd 2lose sleep over it.
it's lk,it seemed imprtnt at dat pt in time,but den u realise wat's truly imprtnt n it's jz secondary...

evrytins jz been crazy...emotionally im not wired 2cope w crap lk dis...
i mean,my past experiences neva involved me puttin my heart n soul into things like dis,i mean,not in such an intense level as dis.
i tot wat's imprtnt is my feelings.dowan 2go thru wat i went thru again.
but wat i neva realised is dat,d more intense d feelings,the greater the hurt.

n it sux to be hurt,again.n again.
how stupid do i hv 2b b4 i learn...??
there're things u x rely on othr's judgement,
1 of it is dis...
u hv 2decide 4urself or u'll end up throwin a gud thing away cuz of bad advice fr ppl,n malicial rumours.
or u cud end up hurt,n heartbroken,cheated,cuz u refused to heed EVRY1 else's advice...u noe,when u ignore the warning signs n jz ram thru...
sigh..
both outcomes suck...so wat do i choose?
2wait?but it can't wait...decision nds 2b made soon.

BUT AM I HAPPY??
i tink mayb dat's d que i shd b askin...
it's ridiculous,the things i hv 2tolerate..
i din even care dat much in the beginnin..
so y izzit difrnt now?y do i care so much....??
y izzit so strong now?y do i feel like i can't lose dis....??

sum ppl were rite,now it seems lk im the 1carin more bout dis than the actual person who wanted in the beginnin.

but im tired.so dat's the answer...
im tired of thinkin,n makin decisions,n makin allowances,sacrifices,tryin to let go of my past in the process..hurtin so much.n 4wat?

how do u tel the truth fr a lie??
how do u noe whthr it's all real??
im thinkin,im so afraid of it,dat it'll all burst lk a bubble n evrytin wil be gone,n i'll oni b left w sticky messy soap.
it wil...im neva so fortunate in this arena...
it alwiz bursts in front of my face..
alwiz.
feel so down now...

i miss those times...but dey're x comin back..
wish i cud hear ur voice,tel me again...

ANGEL'S LIPS
it's a great song...love it alot.cuz the lyrics remind me how fake a guy can be...
go check it out ppl...x sure who sang it,prob the calling.sounds lk their kinda song...

wanna close my eyes n neva wake up...let it all fade away.

difference in opinion

ahhh...

wat do u do when sum1 keeps tryin to change u??

i mean...his pt of view makes sense too but then...
hear me out 1st k?

i beliv dat if a person loves u he'll accept u 4who u are...
not try to change u into sum1 u're not....
i mean if i can't b myself w the person im closest to....then who can i be myself with??
when am i able to feel free to act how i truly am,w no inhibitions, 2feel safe n not be afraid dat i'll be judged 4acting the way i am...
we all hv inhibitions when we;re in public...
we dun do watever we want whenever we want...

but i feel dat,w the person im closest to,if i cant act crazy or be myself...den how wil the realationship work???
i feel lk im walkin on ice...lk i hv to b careful of wat i say,or do,or act....
i can't be spontaneous for fear dat he wun lk it n wil judge me....

BUT....

HE THINKS.....
dat if u care 4a person...
u'll tell the person wat u dun lk about them...
u'll be honest in a rltnshp,n share watever displeases u w them..
u'll advise the person cuz u love them n want them 2change 4the better.
who else wil tell u wat r ur problems if not ur loved 1....?
it tks honesty to make a rltnshp work.
so if he dusn lk sumtin bout me,he;ll tell me...
n expect me 2change...

so how...???
who's rite???
i dun lk bein constantly on guard in a rltnshp...
constantly kept on my toes..
sigh...
oh,4instance...
he dusn like me sighing....accordin to him,chinse bliv dat if u sigh,
u're bringing bad luck on urself...
but i sigh VERY OFTEN....n since long b4 i can rmbr i've been sighing.....
sigh...
so i must change for him?
but it's jz sighing...

now i gtg.cuz my fren got tired of waitin for me n decided to jz call the cab to go home..dis is the problem when u stay with a person...summore v both stay so far..hc to go bac 2gethr....ugh...
sigh
bye.

I'm back....!

My goodness.....
time flies..no,it SUPER flies...err...
anyway,it's been more than 1 yr since my last post...
i myself can;t believe it.
SO SO SO SO many things hv happened since then n im struggling now to think of a way to summarize it all.....

hmm...

IT'S BEEN CRAZY!!!!!!!!

in this 1 yr...my life hs changed so so so drastically...i dun even noe wat to say!!!
it's rily hard to beliv im now sittin at a cc in jogja w a guy i barely noe typing an entry to my post...
haha...

im so confused....I'M ACTUALLY IN JOGJA!!!
after so so so long of tryin to run......i cant bliv it man...

it's jz so hard to describe the way i feel...
haha....i arrived at jakarta,took a transit n came here...
it's pretty ulu-fied but not as bad as i expected...
sumore it ws my sort of last choice...both me n karen wanted UI (for obvious reasons.....it;s in jakarta man.....!!!).but i guess i was too playful....didn;t study hard enuf.
haha....
thank God for KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!seriously...evrythin i went thru for the past 1 yr...i went thru w her...
bf problem...studies problem....problems of letting go of my past....
then as we settle dwn in jogja,stupid 'orientation' problem....we had this thing call 'OSPEK' which is actually ragging...
in hindsight...it;s not that bad n quite funny...
but last week...God,we wr so so so so so freaking scared!!!
we heard so many horror stories fr ppl bout how dey torture u n humiliate u in front of evry1 else....it was one of the HUGEST decisions i had to make....
4those of u who noe me.....I HATE 2MAKE DECISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
deciding wat to eat for lunch alrdy sends me into spasms of indecision.....
so felt rily proud of myself dat i made the RIGHT decision to go for that OSPEK thing...
haha...under no obligation...no coercian from any1 else...
no1 influenced me,but i jz sat n tot n tot n tot...goodness..
haha...i've grown up. =P

n the guy sitting nxt to me is reading this n laughing...
damn funny la now....wait la...i;ll get my revenge 1 day.
Gosh,im quite childish.but i dun care...
if i dun b dat now...when am i gonna act like dis rite??when im 28??????
haha....

anyway,back to OSPEK...
so we gathered there la....at the taman medika....
c...here it's called tmn medika...not 'The Medical Garden"...
haha...
EVRYTHING IS IN INDON!!!!!!!argh....it's so difficult when i 1st arrived.
sumore i rily dun like(this is an understatement,of all my languages,i rily hate malay man....)
malay....rily have to throw away my pride,be humble n accept evrything.
but the 1st day v went to a place which sells stuff in bulk....me n karen were SO SO SO IRRITATED!dahlah we were damn tired...we had to buy stuff for a room which we had not seen!!!!how do u do dat rite?wat if the place alrdy has wat u wanna buy...
n in jogja(i dunno bout the rest of indon..)
for 1barang...u have a GAZILLION choices!!!!(talk bout my problem of making decisions....it's like God decided:'since she;s like this...shall send her to a place where she hs to deal w this EVRY SINGLE FREAKIN TIME!!!n then there;s taxi,beca,bus....hv to think sumore which 1 to take...goodness.i shd jz get married n hv kids..settle my headache.hahahahaha.....)

anyway...so so so so many choices....1dumb floor mat took us so so so long 2decide which to buy...

sorry i digressed...
back to OSPEK...
v went for 2days n a nite...which ws quite lucky 4us cuz normally it's 3days 2nites.....
not lucky,God ws in charge...he prob knew me n karen would hv died if it ws 3 days....
goodness knows i almost did...
it was so difficult...being yelled at,n humiliated..(in karen's own words when 4the 1st time since i;ve known her,she cried like shit:" I've NEVER been called shit n pembawa sial n dog b4 in my entire life...."
u know how pissed i was at them for making her cry like dat....God....i swear if i was indian n i was there w her seeing her go thru it....i wud've lost it man....
haha....talk bout a small fry tryin to act macho....as if i could've done much.
anyway,i didn't kena as badly as her....again,God's hand...
i've never never prayed so much b4 in my life...
anyway....
it all turned out well....the seniors wr the most hated ppl in my life b4 OSPEK..
but after it....haha...funny how evrytin can change...
but seriously,we were so damn pissed off.
sumore me n karen had so much 2deal with....our kost(hostels here r called kosts) ws too far...we were tryin to move out...n den the snrs wr scaring us by sayin...u mz greet any1 u tink is a msian-la...or else wil kena during OSPEK..
i felt so fake greetin ppl jz bcoz of OSPEK...haha...
anyway....
evrytin turned out well..
very very hapi here in Jogja.
my main concern was whether i;ll make frens...knowing me....haha.
n i did..n it ws OSPEK dat brought those who went closer together...haha.
we all had stupid names given by the snrs dat we had to use during OSPEK.
n attributes which consisted of newspaper-made hats n tags...
we were made to be like fools who had 2do evrytin dey ordered.
any little mistake we did b4 OSPEK was made into a 'case' n thrown at our faces...
sigh.haha.
but God is good,there ws a snr who called me 2give me assignments 2complete by OSPEK.
he turned out to be quite a nice guy....
rily helped me a lot...haha...
can't blive there;s sum1 who's willing 2help so much...
but he quite immature sumtimes....even though he;s 26 already...
sighh...
haha.

anyway...tired n need to go back cuz my kost's gate closes at 9.30pm...
bye...

Photos of me at home!!

-me!!with the squish elaine,alex,sue,n carynl gave me.i sleep w it every night..sounds wrong.
-the view outside my window..wow...'stunning'.
-my brother Joseph.Cool attitude man..

Ashleigh's Tears

and she returned.
bare-footed,white-faced,silky translucent shreds all about her.
"where hv they gone?
they were here not so long ago....."
and she gathered their remains in her bosom,
n there under the dying fir tree,she sobbed.
she wept for the spirits of laughter long gone.

laughter does not have a spirit!
well who told u so?

she held the souls of her memories in her arms,
rocking back n forth as she wept for the pain of all those before her,and all those who'll follow her.
"is this how it will be for all who tread this path??"
silver rays of moonlight illuminate her tears,and cradling her ashen face.
and she wept on.

for housewives with monotone lives,for successful businessmen who do not know love,for unborn children whose lives were taken by irresponsible parents,
for dreams bottled up,for hopes dashed,for lovers lost,for life unfulfilled,for opportunities lost,for love uncherished,for people crying out for help silently as they tie their noose.
for hearts broken,for women who forgive their partners over n over again,for men who lost her and were left with rivers of memories n a living,breathing image of her,for parents who try so hard n yet still get shut out by their kids,for children who will never know wat it means to be innocent.

and she wept on.
when the whole world chooses to forget,she gathers these feelings,the memories n she weeps.
the tears that others refuse to cry.
Be strong,be a man,don't let others see u weak,
feelings hidden,pushed behind,suppressed.
i'll get thru this,i will.
they won't hurt me,they won't,i'm strong,
i dun need any1.i won't let them see me like this.
i'm independant,i'll make it on my own.
she weeps for them.
she sobs,she cries her heart out.
and there she kneels,with ash around her,the soft breeze dries her tears.
and yet they keep falling,
not stopping,
when will it end?
Ashleigh, don't cry.

Prayer for 2005

Prayer for 2005
Lord,
Grant me the strength to live above circumstances.
Build my faith,
help me to trust in You.

Lord,
i know You have a plan for me,
reveal it to me,give me hope,
i don't know what is in store for me.
Help me let go of my steering wheel and
hand it over to You.

Lord,
take control of my life,
help me to rise above the opinions the
views of others,
help me to stand up and out for You.
Help me to live a life for You.
give me wisdom to know when to speak out,
and when to keep quiet.

Lord,
help me to be sensitive to the needs of others,
for all my unsaved friends,
I love them so so much,
give me boldness to share Your love to them.
They need You desperately in their lives and they
don't know it.

Lord,
give me the words to say,
create opportunities and help me seize them when they pass,

Lord,
I need You in my life,
I have been trying to drive for too long,
i've made a mess out of it.
I wanna live my life in accordance to Your will.

Lord,
I pray for my family,
help us to grow stronger in You together,
Protect my father,my mother and my brothers.

Lord,
i give You my life,
take it and mould it accordingly,
use me Lord.
Amen.
Delete It

So soon..

oh year,
how fast u've passed.
i'm suddenly 5 min to reaching 18.

i'm gonna be almost an adult,
getting freedom i never dreamed of.
18 seemed so far away,
i thought it would be eons to reach that coveted age.

and now the clock ticks on,
3 min more to being 18,
as i type this i feel old,
very old.

i've been through so so much this year,
an excrutiatingly painful stretching year.
a crazy emotional roller-coaster,
the ups,the downs,the spinning n nauseating ride of my life.

how far do i have to walk,
how much more do i hv to travel alone?

i'm officially 18 now according to the clock on my computer.
in a secluded college,
deep in the jungle.
empty shop-lots surround me...planes fly overhead.
with ppl i've grown to accept.
to learn not to look with judging eyes.
to learn that differences.

my frens just barged into the cyber cafe...
i;m going out now!!!!

high,lofty ideals..

wat's life?
wat matters most?

God?family?friends?money?relationships?status?wealth?
looks?health?

what i put first determines the way i act...wat's my priorities?
i grew up believing the world to be a beautiful place....that it's filled w ppl who
are beautiful n r treasures for u to discover...i believed in making new friends.
i believed that u shd do wat u want in life...take a career cuz u love it...not cuz u'll get rich.
lose the job if it means u compromising ur believes...love others n others will love u..
i believed in love.i wouldn't marry the person if i didn't love him...
money isn't everything...it isn't the most important thing.

but along the way.....adults tell me different things.
things that contradict wat i perceived life to be.Grown ppl who hv gone through hardships n hv taken the brunt of life itself.
Money IS important. ppl see u as how much u own,wat car u drive,where u stand in life.
and when u r brought up in a family which is quite well-off...the way u carry urself,ur self-image,ur mindset is diff fr a not so well off family.
why?
ur status in life...being accomplished n being a 'cheena' businessman,why do ppl look at them differently?

u walk into a posh restaurant or a five star hotel....
look at the way the waiters or receptionist treat these two ppl.
it's real,it's happening.
the world treats u differently by looking at u...

and so were my perceptions high n lofty ideals?
is this the price i have to pay for growing up?
to learn that a doctorate is THE most important thing in life?

"don't be so naive,u think u can survive by studying that?u won't be able to get a job here.in the end it's whether u can put rice in ur own bowl!!!This is safe. u'll never go bankrupt.u'll always hv a job."
but wat if this is not wat i want to do? wat do i love??
i love to talk,i love languages,i love physics.
wat's wrong w that?
but i need to feed my family...
so sacrifice i hv to.n i'm not the only one...
many ppl have had to give up wat they want to do cuz:
1)not enough money
2)too many siblings hence,not enuf money
3)spent money on another sibling's education hence,not enuf money.
4)parents didn't think that should spent so much money on a liability-daughters....

in the end...it's about money...
IS IT??
is the world about money only....about which career u shd choose to sustain urself?

n then some say "do wat u love...
if u take up sumthing that u hv a great interest in,well,u will do well!"
hmm...

so who do i listen to?
or do u do it ur way....
fall down get up again,n do it UR way,
or do u take the road others hv chosen for u...
the safe way,the way where it's easier....listen to sumone else...
but wat's wrong w listening to sumone else?
wat's wrong w not living it the way u want?
to take a risk but taking the risk of ending up w satisfaction or guilt?

do i dare to look for my own way?
do i dare step off the path chosen for me?
is it wise?jz cuz i want to explore on my own?
even when it's safer following sumone else's path?

or do i take my life in my own hands....search for sumthing more..
find out wat i'm good at..
live it my way?
find out whether this world IS only made out of money...
or maybe this world sees u not for wat u are....but wat u're worth...
can i live a simple life n be happy?
w/o achieving any heights??
who's right? who's wrong?
how will i find the answers?
where do i begin my search??
why the contradiction??
why do ppl who dun hv much seem happier??
or do they only seem??
why when ppl get a taste of wealth they keep wanting more??
is the thirst for wealth insatiable??
is it possible to travel the world w/o money??

wat's important??

Growing up..

that's the only way to put the last 5months of my life...
a painful painful process of growing up.
i was wrong about the previous post as my last...
i'm very very down today,n the 1st thing that came to my mind was....hey..
i hv a blog....no one reads it....i can blog it!!!
sigh....it's been almost 6 months...like a REALLY good friend of mine once said...
"it's pass the grace period dear....u hv to let go..."
well.....I CAN'T !!!!!
i'm sorry....it hurts jz to write this.....everytime i think back on the times i had....
i tear.....i can't talk to anyone bout it either.....my parents n i get into HUGE arguments n i dun wanna hurt them no more......the ppl in my college...well....they dun noe wat it's like.....they hate me, i know.

why?
becuz i keep talking bout sumthing they never had a chance to hv...i keep talking bout spore...i keep comparing....i keep talking on and on and on bout how great it was there...the frens n all.....no wait...THE FRENS....it was an AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL 6months of my life.
n so...i hv no one here to talk about it....at all....
i always thought diaries were for pathetic ppl who hv no friends that they can spill their guts out to.....well....guess wat?? yup...i'm keeping one now....

wat have i become???

i no longer live in the present.i thrive on going back to spore to see my friends....i LIVE on the fact that i hv 1 1/2 yrs b4 i leave for indon....
oh...wow....get this...i am actually burning w anticipation to go to indon....
Lord....i need help....
i can't go on anymore.....
everytime i wake up....i dread another day in that college....
u know...i used to love going to SAJC....cuz in my heart....i loved it....

when i left for spore....i never looked back...sorry mum n dad....i hv to honestly say....
i didn;t miss ANYTHING......for the 1st 5 months...i didn't get the i can't wait to go home feeling....i didnt miss any of my friends...i didn't miss ANYTHING...
i always felt that there was sumthing wrong w me,when the ppl arnd me...my frens eva,sue,carynl talked about missing home....i never admitted to anyone there at that time but....i NEVER missed home.i LOVED where i was....i felt homesick only during the END OF JUNE....after i had spent a whole holiday month in spore.n that was only a small tinge....sigh....

i still rmbr going home in the cny hols...i woke up in my own bed wondering where i was....
i actually missed the ppl in spore while i was AT HOME!!!
is this wat life is about??? that when u finally find the place u love the most.....u hv to leave???
i still miss life there.....evryday of my life.....
i will regret it forever.....n to know that i'll never hv it again kills me inside...
thank god i'm a girl.....thank god i can cry n release it out.....
it's been 6 months....i still can't move on....

maybe i need counselling....i need help....the only thing that keeps me alive is praying n relying on GOD. but Lord...U hv to send me help soon cuz next year is gonna be 100x worse....
i'm gonna hv my A-s levels papers.....so i can;t see them....then after that THEY are gonna hc their A-levels....so i'm not gonna disturb them....n then san san has left for New Zealand...
jia fu's gonna end his ADP soon....n so i'll truly truly be alone...
but i've been ALONE for so long....is it training for the future Lord??
are U preparing me for worse? cuz i dun think i can take it Lord....

Give me strength Lord.....i can't go on alone....

ahh...the beginning...or sumthing like dat..

And so thus begins my blog....
wow...i'm so excited(said w sarcasm spewing out from every existing cavity of my body)
haha......no....it's just that....well...i dun noe how am i gonna find the time(& money) to upkeep
this blog....hmm....
well....they say everything has to begin sumwhere.....(i dunno who ever said that...oh.. i'm saying it...haha...quote me! quote me! err....)
this shall be the beginning of my own blog w my not-so-witty posts n my
life under my own microscope.....hmm...
sounds...fun? nah....oh well....
dun care....i shall be crazy....
err....
haha....
so...cheers...to a new beginning...
err....
wait.....one thing...phiphiya!!
under the code 74 article 9394/86 of the SC (abbreviation for smiley cows) convention:
'Posters' are henceforth banned from typing 'err..' at every single
interval or pause or break in sentence or end of paragraph or
beginning of paragraph.

err.....
wat's wrong w me?? oh well....only a certain sumone out there will know...
who? sorry, dun know who...haven't met him yet...
haha...
to the 1st post!!!(n i hv a funny tingling sort of feeling that it might be the last..)
hah!